Checkmate
by fukuji mihoko
Summary: Battler plays a game of chess with Ronove, but somehow it evolves into something more... unexpected. "Damn that stupid butler with his creepy smile." :Ronove/Battler :
1. Check

**Checkmate**

Chapter One

'_Check'_

* * *

"Check."

"My, my, Battler. You certainly _are_ very good at this," said Ronove appraisingly, looking down at the chessboard sat between himself and Battler on a white table. He grinned, holding his fingers to his mouth in his usual elegant, yet somewhat flamboyant manner. "I see I will have to plan my moves more carefully around one as wily as yourself."

"Hey, don't sound so surprised. You should know by now I'm not an idiot," said Battler, pouting slightly. He wasn't even aware he was doing it; it was a subconscious reflex.

_It _does _make him look rather delectable, though… _Ronove thought to himself, his grin widening. _If only the products of my culinary skills could look one eighth as appetising…_

"Aha, my apologies. I did not mean to insinuate you were an idiot. Anybody who can hold their own against Milady whilst playing one of her 'games' is worthy of my respect."

Battler frowned. "Why would I want _your _respect?"

"I _am_ a high-ranking noble demon, Battler; the respect of one such as myself is worth quite a lot in this world." He smiled, waggling a gloved finger in Battler's direction. "Tsk, tsk- how silly of you to forget."

"Like any of that matters," said Battler, shaking his head. "I'm trying to deny you guys exist, right? I don't need you praising me- it's _weird_. Urgh." He sighed, staring down at the chessboard with a sour expression on his face. "What a pain."

"Well, quite. I imagine playing a friendly game of chess with a being you refuse to believe exists is quite the dilemma, pu ku ku ku~" Ronove chuckled, gracefully picking up a piece and, after a pause, moving it. "I hope those irritating doubts of yours do not spoil this game for you; I am finding it quite _enjoyable_."

"Hmn. I don't know," said Battler, looking at the chessboard, pout still in place. "Beating the thirty-seventh ranked demon at a chess game might make me feel a little better, even if you obviously don't exist."

"Twenty-seventh."

"Excuse me?"

"I am the twenty-seventh ranked demon. Not thirty-seventh."

"Like that makes any difference," Battler said, moving his knight. "That's check again, by the way. Heh."

"How interesting. You made a rather excellent move, Battler; I can understand why Milady enjoys having you as an opponent," Ronove smiled as he surveyed Battler, head tilted slightly as though he were examining a piece of art, or a bug under a microscope. It made Battler flinch slightly; the look on Ronove's face was so… intense. And his eyes were so very piercing.

"Incidentally," Ronove continued, his fingers hovering over the remnants of his pieces, "why did you ask to play chess with me? I'm sure Milady would have been happy to oblige your, hmn, _whims_~"

Battler sighed, collapsing back in his chair as though his skeleton had shattered.

"Watching my family die all the time is _incredibly _depressing. I think I'm handling it pretty well, considering. Tch." He rolled his eyes. "I don't get off on violence and murder like you people; I need a break from it every once in a while. Else I'll go insane. Then I might start to think there's possibility you guys could exist."

"And we couldn't have that. Milady would be disappointed if you had to retire early owing to mental illness," said Ronove smoothly, that charming grin still on his face. "Although, I am offended you assume I could… ah… 'Get off', as you so charmingly put it, to something as unsightly as violence. My tastes are rather more refined than Milady's~"

Ronove smiled, his fingers still hovering over various pieces. When he finally selected a rook, he lifted it with the elegance a princess would lift her soup spoon during a dinner party with an emperor. The black pawn against his white gloves was strangely striking; Battler found himself watching those long, elegant fingers in spite of his better judgement. Ronove's movements were almost captivating.

"Are there any other reasons you did not desire Milady's presence for this game?" Ronove asked, leaning back in his chair. "Not that I object to being here, of course; it is always most pleasant being with Battler."

Battler made a face, still pouting, still looking criminally adorable.

"Ahaha- do not feel you have to oblige to indulge my curiosity. I apologise if the request was a tad impertinent; I am, after all, just furniture."

"Gahh. Now you sound like Shannon," said Battler, reaching out to put Ronove into check again hastily, as though he were trying to punish him.

"Oh my~ Is there anything wrong with adapting the qualities of Miss Shannon? She is a very charming woman."

"Yeah, but _you _don't sound charming like that."

A rather sincere smile pulled at Ronove's lips, his eyes widened slightly, and a soft, light pink flush spread across his cheeks. He leant across the table, suddenly too close- _way _too close- and Battler felt his own face begin to turn red, as he leant back in his chair.

Then, Ronove spoke, in a voice slightly higher and more feminine than usual, still with those large eyes and that small smile and that rose petal pink blush; "B-battler, I-I hope you enjoy being with me, even though I am just mere furniture... I-I'm sorry if Kanon was rude to you earlier… Would you like some tea? Hehe~"

Battler felt the breath still in his throat. His heart seemed to have stopped beating- or, more like, it was only sending blood to his face.

_Argh! I hate it when I blush! Why do I have to have red hair? It makes me look like I'm on __fire__._

_The only flaming one round here is _definitely _Ronove, though._

_Fucking weirdo._

"D-don't do that!" Battler yelped, his cheeks still beet red. Shuddering, he reached forward and pushed Ronove away. "Y-you sounded _way _too much like Shannon just then. T-that's not right…"

Ronove only smirked at Battler's outburst, his earlier blush vanished completely. His eyes were back to their slanted, intense state as before. "It must seem odd, hearing the voice of a rather attractive and… ah… largely _gifted _woman coming from a person like myself. Once more, I apologise- although the look on your face is truly priceless, pu ku ku ku~"

"D-damn right it's _odd. _That's so odd it needs a whole other word to describe it!" said Battler darkly, turning his head away. "I-if you really want to know why I'm playing chess against you, then it's no big deal, I'll tell you. 'Cause the reason doesn't matter, see?"

"I see."

"Well, I can't relax like this around Beato! I mean, I doubt anybody could, unless they were missing half their brain. She's a complete _psychopath;_ I bet if I tried to play ANY game against her- not just chess, but like noughts and crosses or something!- she'd, like, take it way, _waaay_ too seriously and feed me to her goat butlers if I lost. Not that I feel relaxed around_ you_, but y'know; you're _marginally _less homicidal than Beato."

"Milady is not a _complete _psychopath."

"But she acts like one so much the finer points of her character are completely negligible."

"Pu ku ku ku~ As always, you have a very clever way with words, Battler; and a very sharp tongue. _Mmn~_" Ronove grinned, brushing a few strands of hair out of his eyes with a delicate grace that would've made a ballerina cry in envy.

"Ngh," Battler made a small noise of irritation, as he turned his eyes away from Ronove and stared resolutely at the chessboard. The black and white squares were nice and non-threatening; _they _wouldn't try to flirt with him (which Battler was 90% sure that was exactly what Ronove was trying to do- probably for no better reason other than 'boredom'. That seemed to big motivating factor in the metaworld; why else would that weird witch in pink with all the hair ribbons take 'candy baths' for any other reason? Unless she had some really weird fetishes… Actually, that was kind of sexy. In an 'oh God why?' kind of way. Now, _she_ was a girl Battler would take a 'candy bath' with).

"I thought about asking one of the sisters of Purgatory for a game," said Battler, images of sexy, sexy jailbait witches and the inappropriate uses of lollipops running through his head, "but I decided against it."

"Oh?~" Ronove pressed his fingertips together, elbows resting on the tabletop, body bent forwards slightly.

"Yeah, 'cept I can't tell them apart and last time I thought I was talking to Mammon, but it was actually Leviathan or something, and she went completely mental and tried to stab me in the eye when I got her name wrong, saying something like 'I have my own identity! How dare you! I'm just as good as my sisters!' Damn, those girls are all _way_ high-maintenance."

"Haha~" Ronove laughed, his fingers splayed across his lips once more. "Women can be so very temperamental. They may appear delicate and lovely, but a woman scorned-"

"Can be a fucking pain in the ass."

"Your wording is perhaps a tad unsophisticated, but it is true enough," Ronove replied, still chuckling.

"Man, the girls here are _all_ insane- apart from maybe Virgilia. And what's with Lucifer's modesty? I was talking to her a while ago, and then she started going red and was all 'no, don't look at my chest, pervert!'" said Battler grumpily, throwing his arms up in anger. The motion was so over-exuberant he almost sent the chessboard flying. "And then she tried to maim me, like ALWAYS- I swear, that's how all my talks with those sisters end! But c'mon, if she was _sooo _concerned about her appearance then she wouldn't wear such a stripperific outfit! I mean, her boobs are like-" Battler made a crude motion, as though he were holding two balloons to his chest "-and her skirt is, like, non-existent. Tch. You'd think she'd at least cover up a bit more. Any guy would stare! I'm not a pervert- I'm just a victim of circumstances!"

"Aheh, yes. The seven sisters are quite lovely, aren't they? Their personalities, however, can be quite fearsome."

"You're telling me. Damn." Battler ran a hand through his hair, turning it into a messy birds' nest of wild, flyaway spikes. "All the hot girls I know are either related to me or trying to murder me. How is that fair? What did I do to deserve this? Fucking Beatrice. I bet she dresses them like that on purpose just to torment me. Blahhh."

"I fear Milady's actions may warrant those harsh words," said Ronove, his long, white fingers hovering over his next piece. "However, I pray you have enough sense to abstain from saying such things to her face. She is very fond of you, Battler."

"If that's true, she has a _really _odd way of showing it. Whatever happened to chocolate on Valentine's day and love letters?"

"Traditional human customs are so endearing." Ronove smiled. "But do you honestly believe Milady is the sort of the woman who would follow such customs?"

"Of course not. I'd never eat anything _she _offered to me anyway; I don't take my own life so lightly."

"I doubt Milady would try and poison you."

"I wouldn't put it past her," said Battler darkly, "considering all the other sick stuff she's done."

"So, when you became weary of Milady's company- not the mention the combined company of the very beautiful seven sisters- you sought out my humble self for a game of chess. Ah~ That really is quite flattering, Battler~ Do you honestly find my presence so relaxing? Pu ku ku ku~"

"Don't be flattered. It was the best choice of a poor selection," said Battler, waving one hand dismissively. "It was either you or one of those goat butlers- and I doubt they'd be able to pick up any of these pieces, let alone actually _play _chess. Those things are _terrifying- _they ate me!_"_

"Aha~ It appears you have made a mistake then, Battler," said Ronove silkily, moving his next piece with usual graceful motions.

With a small smile, he fixed Battler with a penetrating stare, dark eyes smouldering with intensity. Battler found himself flinching slightly at that expression.

"W-what mistake would that be, exactly?"

"Intelligent demons are far, _far_ more terrifying than unintelligent ones~ In fact, I would like to make this game more… _interesting_."

At the word 'interesting', Battler felt his insides clench.

That word _never _heralded well when it came from the mouth of a demon. The last time Beatrice had declared something was 'interesting', it was when Rosa and Maria were being drowned in jelly by Eva's insane, took-a-level-in-bitchiness-and-badass split personality in the pimped out witch dress.

_Oh God. I hope Ronove doesn't want to drown me in a jelly, too._

_Then again, he'd probably say such a thing was 'inelegant'. Fucking weirdo. And the sad thing is, he's the closest thing to a 'normal person' this place has; apart from Virgilia, I guess._

"Don't look so frightened, Battler~" Ronove said with a light, teasing lilt. "Anybody would think I was planning to eat you alive… Although I am not completely opposed to that idea… Pu ku ku ku~"

"I'm not frightened," said Battler, narrowing his eyes.

There had been a glimmer of challenge in Ronove's words, and Battler would _never _fold to a demon- doing that would be just as good as admitting they held power over him! From there on, it was only a short step to admitting they really existed- and that would be like signing his own death warrant.

Besides, Battler Ushiromiya had _never_ been one to back down from a challenge, no matter how ridiculous or impossible. That was the reason why he was always covered in scars and bruises when he was a child. He could still remember the time Jessica had told him he'd never dare try and the climb the tallest tree in the forest (not that it necessarily _had_ been the tallest- their parents had forbidden them from wandering too far into the forests of Rokkenjima). Battler had laughed in Jessica's face and, ignoring George's 'I don't think you should do this…' Battler had showed Jessica he wasn't afraid of anything! He'd climbed that tree! Well… he'd climbed _most_ of it. Until he fell off and splattered himself across the floor like a pancake. But he'd still done it- even though he broke his arm and nearly smashed his brains out.

The worried look on Shannon's sweet face when he limped heroically back to the mansion, sporting a bruised eye and a severe injury, had been worth the pain.

"And don't say you'd like to 'eat me'- I already reserved that honor for Maria when she gets older!" Battler continued, pointing in his typical over-dramatic fashion at Ronove. "I'm _way_ too good for the likes of you!"

"Of course. I apologise," said Ronove, shaking his head with a smile. "At any rate, I would like to propose we add a greater element of challenge to this game."

"Fine. Whatever it is, I accept! Don't think I'd tremble in fear at a demon's request; I'm stronger than that!"

Ronove laughed to himself in his typical effeminate manner, fingers across his lips, eyes closed.

"I like your attitude, Ushiromiya Battler. I am honored to have you as my opponent, even if it is only for the duration of a small scale game such as this. I fear I may become quite jealous of Milady if she continues to monopolise your time; I wonder if you are as passionate in other areas, too~"

"I'm passionate in everything I do, but that doesn't mean I have to give you a demonstration of it!" Battler said forcefully, folding his arms. A smirk spread across his face. "So what's your challenge?"

"Oh, nothing too spectacular," said Ronove, smiling. "I would not wish to turn your attentions away from Milady for too long. I propose a rather simple exchange; namely, whoever emerges from this game as the victor gets to ask the other a favor."

"So there's a penalty for losing?"

"Exactly~"

"You could have said it all that in _five_ words," said Battler, rolling his eyes. "You didn't need to state it in such an overly-elaborate way."

"I _am _descended from nobility, Battler~ It is in my blood to act in such a manner."

"I'm from a rich family too, and I don't talk like I swallowed a thesaurus."

"To your credit, Kinzo is not the most verbose human; his vocabulary seems to consist solely of 'Beatrice' and inarticulate screaming," said Ronove with that sly smile. "I can't imagine he finds his family members' command of their own language overly important."

"Haha, yeah. Maybe, if he'd bothered to teach my dad some English, I wouldn't be called 'Battler'," said Battler, rolling his eyes. "It's not even a name. It's just a humiliation."

"Personally, I think it suits your personality very well. I couldn't imagine Battler Ushiromiya being named anything else~ Although, I suppose in your case, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Pu ku ku ku~"

"Whatever. I'm being serious now," said Battler, reaching forwards and grabbing hold of his last remaining knight. "Let's do this! I'll certainly defeat you, no matter what!"

* * *

**a/n: **I love Ronove XD I forgot how amazing he was, but I've been rewatching Umineko and I just love him!~ Love love love 3 Pfft, and he so obviously has the hots for poor Battler XD~  
IDK about this pairing. I think it's kind of cute-ish, and at the same time incredibly hilarious and just plain _weird_ XD But it's charming, and Ronove is /very/ charming, and I had an idea for a fic and I was all 'screw it, I'll write it' XD

Actually, my idea for this fic was just a oneshot, but then I had an idea for two other oneshots with this couple, and I thought 'oh, I can just combine them into a short little fic and run them together', so here you are :3 This is just the first half of the first oneshot idea, though. This will be sort of plotless (I think…) and will be a very short and sweet fanfic, but I hope you like it anyway ^_^~

Oh, & I think it's hilarious that Japanese Itsuki and Japanese Kyon play Battler and Ronove, respectively, and I ship Itsuki/Kyon and kinda-sorta Ronove/Battler, to a certain extent XDD~ ihihihi. Funny how dat works out.

Please R&R?~ I'd like to know if I'm doing a decent job, or if any other peeps like this pairing XP

**renahhchen xoxo**


	2. Checkmate

**Checkmate**

Chapter Two

'_Checkmate'_

* * *

"...I can't believe I lost…"

Battler could only sit, staring at the board in horror. After his previous declaration that 'I _certainly_ wouldn't lose to the '_dark side'_, not **ever**, not even in something as trivial as chess!', **this** certainly was a blow to his ego. And Ronove's creepy smile wasn't helping, either.

_Man. I guess I should use my _brain_ before I make claims that I'm 'undefeatable'- then I could avoid awkward moments like this. Or maybe I should stop tempting fate, full stop, because fate will _always_, turn around and sucker punch me in the jaw._

_Life is just shit like that. And that's pretty much the whole truth behind the comedy of errors that is my existence._

_Fuck this._

Battler glared down at the board with folded arms. His expression was so caustic it was a wonder hadn't managed to bore a hole through the table. His gaze flickered across the assembled pieces on the chessboard, trying to find a way out of the tight situation Ronove had placed his king in. However, it was useless- completely useless. Batter _did_ have eyes, and he wasn't stupid, and he could plainly see his king was cornered; sandwiched between three pieces.

There was no escape.

Battler had half a mind to accuse Ronove of cheating; after all, the methods adapted by Beatrice to win her games were anything other than 'fair'. If Beatrice had a single, solitary _shred_ of fairness in her withered old heart, then Battler wouldn't have been in the metaworld watching his family die over and over again in the first place. It stood to reason, then, Ronove would be just as sneaky and underhanded. But Battler didn't want to sound petulant and whiney on top of being a loser. That would just be _pathetic_. And Battler Ushiromiya didn't give in to demons- the words 'give in' weren't in his vocabulary! At least, not strung together like that!

So what if he'd lost? That didn't mean he had to let Ronove savour the victory.

He'd defeat him by _losing_, and then pretend he wasn't annoyed in the slightest! It was genius!

A small smirk tugged at his lips.

"Good move," Battler said, clapping slowly. "I didn't see that coming. I totally thought I was going to win."

"And that was your biggest folly, Battler. If you become too prideful and over-confident, your fall from grace will only be more devastating; even in something as simple as a game as chess~" said Ronove in his usual silky tones.

It was truly incredible, Battler mused, that Ronove was able to sound flirtatious even when he was talking about _chess_. That damned butler probably could've read out an instruction manual on how to construct a bird table and made it sound erotic.

_Actually, that's a pretty useful talent- _way _more useful than that 'red truth' crap. If I could make my voice sound that good, I bet I'd have girls clinging to me. Now, __that__ is a power I would __definitely__ use for evil, ihihi…_

"Whatever!" Battler declared, banging his hand down on the few remaining pieces of the chessboard jumped in alarm. "Let's get this over and done with! I lost, right? So what's my punishment?"

Ronove tilted his head to one side, his long, white fingers pressed against his lips. "Oh? Are you really so keen for me to punish you, Battler? How charming~ Pu ku ku ku~"

"What, you thought I'd be scared? Ha! Then you don't know me at all!" said Battler. He got to his feet in little under a second. Stabbed a finger in Ronove's face. The smirk didn't leave his lips. "No matter what you want to do, I won't give in! Do your worst!"

"How excellent!" Ronove said, his slanted eyes bright as constellations. "The passion of youth is so invigorating; I feel hundreds of years younger."

There was a small pause.

Then;

"…How old _are_ you, anyway?"

"Older than I would care to divulge. Don't you know its rude to ask such personal questions, Battler?~ Milady obviously hasn't broken you in well enough, pu ku ku ku~"

"Yeah, well, I don't intend to let her. _So _sorry to disappoint you."

"Aha, how impertinent. Although it is certainly refreshing. I would be most displeased if Milady managed to extinguish your blazing spirit. I'm sure she would be disappointed, too. Mn~ In fact, I'm so sure of it I could state it in red."

"Don't," said Battler flatly, that small pout returning. "Part of the reason I'm here with you is to _avoid _all that stuff. I loathe that color now. Don't make me go axe crazy on you- it won't be pretty."

"My apologises," Ronove inclined his head slightly, grinning. "Although being a redhead suits your tempestuous nature; I sincerely hope you don't tire of it because of Milady's red truth. It would be such a pity."

"Like I'm going to let you demonic bastards affect my appearance! That would be giving in!" said Battler, throwing his arms wide as he made the point. That smirk crossed his face again; a smirk Ronove was sure he must have picked up from Beatrice.

Imitation may have been the highest form of flattery, but Beatrice's deranged expressions coupled with Battler's rather handsome face was a deadly combination. It made Battler look equal parts mentally disturbed _and_ incredibly alluring.

"Alright, Ronove! Show what you've got! Ihihi!"

Well…

Making a request like _that_, whilst wearing such an enticing expression, was only asking for trouble. Battler _really_ only had himself to blame for the events that transpired next.

Instantly, the table and the chessboard exploded into golden butterflies, drifting off to… God only knew where. It wasn't like they'd ever existed in the first place. Battler _refused_ to acknowledge the existence of anything in the meta world, including chess pieces, chairs, and the dust in the air. So where did objects that didn't exist go when they ceased to exist even in the illusion world where they did have some false semblance of reality?

But that was all too philosophical for poor Battler's brain to cope with. George would've been able to understand all that, and offer some viable explanation for it all, maybe. But Battler wasn't George, and he wasn't a genius, and his brain was somewhat engaged.

So was his mouth.

And Battler doubted George had _ever_ tried to solve a complicated philosophical puzzle about the state of existence whilst being kissed by another man.

…Or, if he had, Eva had some seriously messed up methods of raising children.

Battler's eyes snapped open in alarm, the pupils too small the vast expanse of milky white.

His mouth was being ravaged by Ronove's in a manner that certainly wasn't 'refined' or 'civilised' in the slightest; it was fast and hot and… _fuck,_ how had Ronove learnt to kiss like _that?_ Maybe there were some merits to being a demon that had lived thousands of years- you obviously got a lot of experience.

Who had he been practising with, though? The Seven Sisters of Purgatory? Beatrice? _Bernkastel? _Wasn't she about twelve? Her chest was even flatter than Maria's! Her bra size must've been in the _negative _numbers (…not that Battler classed the witches in the metaworld by their bust sizes, of course.

Well.

Maybe he did. A bit. But it was easier than remembering their names, which were so long and foreign-sounding. Language barriers were confusing, but the appeal of breasts was universal, right? It was just a matter of convenience- it had nothing to do with being a pervert!)

Was that what people _did _in the metaworld when they got bored? They made out with each other? Murdering people must have gotten old after a while; even for somebody like Beatrice.

But Battler couldn't imagine Ronove harbouring even the slightest inkling of romantic feelings towards the stakes, or Beatrice. For all his talk of how 'lovely' they were, he didn't seem to appreciate their 'loveliness' as much as Battler did (which was probably why, Battler mused, the Seven Sisters didn't keep going all Vlad the Impaler on him in the first place).

Ronove was entirely disinterested in them.

Even though they were _women._

Even though they had _boobs_.

And that was probably _why_ Ronove was so disinterested in them, if the way he spoke to Battler and stood too close to him at all times was any indication.

_I probably should have seen this coming._

…

…_Why am I still standing here, anyway?_

But 'standing' was no longer the correct preposition to be using. Ronove had pushed Battler down into his chair, and was leant down against him- _almost sitting in his lap_- and Battler felt the breath catch in his throat as Ronove's gloved fingers reached forwards to take hold of his head, keeping it in place as he continued to kiss him.

_It's not a very encouraging sign that this wouldn't even make it into the top fifteen on the 'Most Disturbing Misfortunes That Have Befallen Battler Ushiromiya This Week' list. Oh, my poor, normal life- I barely knew thee._

Battler gave a small, breathy '_ngh_' as Ronove's lips continued to slide against his in own, his mouth opening slightly- and Battler shuddered, as he felt the other's tongue enter his mouth.

Battler wondered if he should close his eyes and try to imagine this was somebody else. He quickly rifled through his mental inventory of girls' names- Shannon, Jessica, Maria, the seven stakes (all at once?), Kumasawa (…how on Earth did _that_ get in there?), Kanon (oh, except he wasn't a girl, was he? Oops. It was an easy mistake to make)- but he soon found none of them really fit. The most appealing one was sweet Shannon- but Shannon was _so _very sweet she'd never kiss anyone like that; it'd probably give her a heart attack.

So, in the end, it was just Battler sat there, Ronove leant against him, and it was _Ronove _kissing his lips, cheeks, neck, and it was _Ronove's_ gloved fingers tangled in his hair, and it was _Ronove's _touch Battler was responding to. Ronove was the one eliciting those breathy moans from him- making him lean his head up automatically to take his lips into another kiss.

_Well, if I can't pretend this isn't Ronove, then at least I can pretend I'm not Battler. Hahaha, you thought you'd defeated me, but I'm actually winning!_

…_Fuck. Now I sound like a lunatic._

_Oh well. If you can't beat them, join them._

Battler found himself making a small gasp of displeasure as Ronove's lips finally left his. A strand of saliva connected both their slightly parted mouths. However, after trembling for a second or so, it dissolved into a single golden butterfly, which fluttered itself into nonexistence in less than a heart beat.

Even despite his frozen shock and the ice-cold blood in his veins, Battler couldn't help but roll his eyes at that.

_That's a _really_ weird way to use magic._

_Then again, I would expect nothing less from Ronove, the guy who bleeds _rose petals_ from the nose._

Alongside such cynicism, questions ran through Battler's mind at thousands of miles an hour, all mixed up with finely spliced emotions and fragments of sentences and various expletives into an indistinguishable mess of utter confusion. These questions ran into each other over and over again as they all desperately tried to escape his mouth at the same time. Battler's inward chaos resulted in a horrible train wreck of mish-mashed sound bytes emitting from his mouth, which sounded a bit like all the vowels in the English alphabet strung together; "AAEEIIOUU!"

Battler cringed.

_Smoooth, Battler. Real smooth. With wit like that, you could be the next James Bond._

Ronove looked down at Battler with half-lidded eyes, his normally neat hair unkempt, as though somebody had been running their hands through it- and Battler realised with a jolt that had been _him._ His face was slightly flushed, and his lips looked so full- and as he tilted his head to one side, that _smirk _spread across those lips again.

"That was quite the undignified sound, Battler~"

As Ronove exhaled, Battler felt his breath ghost across his face, ruffling his hair.

He scowled.

"Fuck you."

"I would, with pleasure~"

"Yes, I think we've established that, you _creeper_. Aren't you, like, a thousand years old? Is there some demon I can go write a formal complaint to? I feel _violated_."

"Aha~ Violating Battler is indeed rather enjoyable; I should make a habit of it. Except, I fear Milady would not be fully supportive of such a depraved hobby…" Ronove smiled, reaching forwards to brush a few strands of Battler's hair out of his eyes. "Oh well. I suppose I will always have the memory of Battler's delightfully flushed face~ Pu ku ku ku~"

"Yeah, well, treasure that memory well, 'cause I'm never going to see that expression again," said Battler, eyes narrowing. "You took me by surprise, that's all."

"Surprises make life more interesting, don't they?~"

"Call me boring, but I don't like the surprises _you_ people give me. I think I'll pass on that," said Battler irritably, wiping his mouth clean with the back of his hand. "Euch."

"Oh come now, it wasn't _that_ bad~ I am not only renowned for my skills as a butler."

Battler quirked a brow at this, and folded his arms. "That has so many unfortunate implications I don't even. "I can see it now; 'Ronove: the amazing magical male prostitute. He'll give you one hell of a time.'" He stuck his tongue out in a disgusted manner, and rolled his eyes.

"Pu ku ku ku~" Ronove laughed softly, his fingers reaching down to trace soft patterns on Battler's cheeks. He moved with the same grace as ever, and the expression in his eyes was thoughtful, as though he were contemplating what chess piece to move next. "I would never do anything so deprived~ I only pursue those that have taken my interest. You should feel flattered."

"I'm not."

But Battler didn't try to push Ronove away. His heartbeat began to speed up- but, at the same time, it felt like it had stopped beating altogether. The confused, contradicting sensations was making his brain bleed. Battler suspected having his stomach cut open stuffed with candies would have hurt marginally less, and trying to explain the murder with human methods to Beatrice whilst bleeding sweets and lollipops would've been a lot less confusing.

"Ah well," said Ronove softly, still smiling that twisted smile. He leant his face closer to Battler's and then, swiftly, he pressed another fleeting kiss against Battler's parted lips.

"Checkmate~"

And, with those final words, that damned butler dissolved into thousands of golden butterflies.

Battler sat there in his chair, eyes wide, cheeks flushed, and inwardly seethed. You didn't turn yourself into _butterflies_ after making out with somebody- that was _such _a social faux pas.

With a groan, Battler took his head in his hands, as though it were about to split down the middle, and shouted at nothingness;

"That fuckingbutler!"

Nothingness did not respond.

It was probably mocking him, too.

* * *

"Hey, Virgilia."

"What is it, Battler?"

"I was just wondering if you've ever made out with Beatrice before."

The blank-eyed, staring look on Virgilia's face was worth asking the question. If he'd asked Beatrice the same thing, though, that woman probably would've struck him to dust for his impertinence. She was so uptight about the _strangest _things, considering she had no qualms with murder.

"I mean, like, when you're bored?" Battler clarified (sort of). "I bet it gets pretty boring around here, so…?"

"No," said Virgilia, shaking her head stiffly. "I can honestly say I have never done such a thing. And neither has anybody else who wishes to keep all their limbs attached to their body. Why?"

"Oh. No reason. No reason at all."

* * *

**a.n: **This fic is fun to write :3 I think I have two more chapters left, and I'm done with this… odd… thing XD  
This pairing is such a load of whut, honestly XD~ W-why do I like it? XD

**renahhchen xoxo**


	3. Victory

**Checkmate**

Chapter Three

'_Victory'_

* * *

"What's wrong, Battler? Your face looks very pale."

"I didn't realise you cared so much, Beato," said Battler, leaning back in his chair. He smirked, and spread his arms wide. "Has my undeniable charm finally gotten to you?"

"_Huhhh_?" Beatrice returned Battler's smirk with a rather devastating one of her own. It was really _was_ strange, Battler mused, that somebody as beautiful as her went to such great lengths to ruin that beauty with those psychopathic expressions- but, then again, that description_ did_ fit the personality behind Beatrice's deceptively pretty face very well. "Who said anything about 'caring'? I don't want you to collapse on me, that's all. Heheh~" She laughed. "Natural deaths are so boring! I wouldn't want that to happen to Battler! I've got something much more spectacular for his demise planned! Ihihihi!~"

"I'll try not to bore you, then.," Battler replied, folding his arms. "Not that I ever could."

"Mn. Well, take care you _don't_, or I might have to throw you away~" said Beatrice haughtily. She sounded like a spoilt princess. "I've thrown away chew toys that don't hold my interest before! For your own sake, I'd advise you start putting up a better fight! Ihihi!"

And yet, even though she was cute enough to a be a fairytale princess, and selfish enough to be a real, historical one, she still laughed like an escaped mental convict.

There was quite the clash there. Ronove was right; her laugh really _did _lack elegance.

Then again, Beatrice liked being confusing- although, didn't that statement really hold true for _all _women? Even _Maria_ had picked up on that 'all women = indecipherable' rule, what with her personality constantly flipping between sweet and nice to Jack the Ripper at any given second.

_I'm sure that's more to do with __faultywiring in her brain, or Rosa's parenting methods, than any inherent female desire to be complicated, though._

"Oh, I'll _definitely_ put up a fight," Battler retorted, leaning forward, grinning. "When have I _ever_ given up?"

"Would you like me to run through the list alphabetically or in chronological order?~ Aha, I think the best time was when you submitted to me completely and I could drag you around on that chain- it was so much fun breaking your will! Ihihihi!"

"...You're into some really weird stuff, you know that."

Beatrice shrugged. "Living for centuries gets boring unless you develop a wide range of interests."

"No wonder you people are all so insane. Remind me _never _to end up like any of you. In fact, what you just said only makes me want to try and defeat you more! So, Beato!" That easy smile came back to Battler's lips, as he stabbed a finger in Beatrice's direction. "Let's start this game!"

_Although it's perhaps not the same 'game' you have in mind, ihihi.__ But it _certainly _won't be boring- I promise you that, Beato._

"I like your spirit, Battler," said Beatrice, folding her arms. "It will fun to break you down again! I'll have you kissing my feet like a good subject in no time, with your nose in the dirt where you belong!~"

"Ha. You're such a romantic, Beato."

"Well, I try~"

"Before we start, summon Ronove. I'm thirsty."

But not for tea. There was nothing particularly special about the tea in the metaworld, anyway. Tea, Battler had begun to realise, was pretty much universal; no matter where you drank it, be it with your relatives or with a witch who wanted to murder you, play around with your corpse, bring it back to life and then cut it to ribbons with a pair of scissors, it tasted pretty much the same. Not even magic could change that, it seemed.

"Sure. Ronove wouldn't want to miss this game, either."

"I'm sure he wouldn't."

_It's pretty difficult playing a 'game' when your main opponent isn't there. Sorry, Beato, but you're not my enemy in this one. You can just stand in the background and look pretty. Or, if that's beyond you, just pull some weird faces like usual, and that'll be fine._

"Hey, Ronove. Get over here," said Beatrice, snapping her fingers.

In less than 0.2 seconds a cloud of butterflies exploded in the room, fading away to reveal that damn butler with a sycophantic smile on his face. Battler inwardly cringed; outwardly, however, he remained composed.

"Yes, Milady?" Ronove asked, bowing to Beatrice slightly.

"Go pour the princess over there some tea," said Beatrice, waving her hand in Battler's direction. "He says he can't start playing the game unless he has something to drink. Tch. Taking advantage of my hospitality, when he claims over and over again I don't exist, is just a little bit rude, don't you think?"

"Indeed," Ronove agreed, as he walked over to Battler and procured the teapot from another shower of butterflies.

Urgh. Battler was getting pretty sick of those fucking butterflies. Did they serve _any _purpose at all, other than show? Or maybe there was some strict rule you couldn't teleport objects without copious amounts of oddly-colored creatures, and that was where scientists had been going wrong for so long?

"Battler is a teenager boy, though; it's only to be expected that he acts in such a way," Ronove continued, now taking a teacup from mid-air, which had also formed from yet _another_ shower of those fucking butterflies.

Gold. That was enough color Battler couldn't stand.

Couldn't the butterflies have been silver? Try some variation?

_Alright, stop it, Battler. You can't set right all the wrongs of this world in one go._

"Man, the youth of today really make me feel sick," Beatrice cackled. "They need to know how lowly they are compared to witches like me- all of them! They all need to be punished! Ihihihi!~"

_She sounds like an old woman. Although, I suppose, she_ is-_ didn't she say she was thousands of years old? You'd never have thought it. I wonder what her secret is. And don't say 'magic'._

"Oh, because you're so _very _polite yourself," Battler retorted, his eyes rolling like balls on a bagatelle board. He took his teacup from Ronove in a rather violent movement, not bothering to thank him; the grin on Ronove's lips (the lips he had used to kiss him just an hour or so ago... _euch.._.) was making him want to pour the boiling hot liquid over his head- see what he'd do if Battler messed up his perfect, silky-smooth hair.

But that wasn't part of Battler's plan; he shook his head slightly, trying to drive the scowl off his face. He had to remain pleasant. Friendly.

This was going to be a surprise attack.

"Of course I'm polite," said Beatrice, grinning. "Far more polite than my position warrants me to be. As a Golden Witch I don't need to entertain company such as yours; you're below me, Ushiromiya Battler. Be thankful I can even stand to look at you. Ihihihi~ Be more respectful when you address me and my furniture."

"Respectful, is it?" Battler asked, staring down into the contents of his teacup. Then, he looked up, a dangerous smile on his face. "Fine then. I'll be respectful."

"Goood~" Beatrice all but purred.

"Ronove," said Battler, turning to address the butler. "I notice you're always offering me tea, but you never drink any yourself. Is there any reason for that?"

"It's a butler's duty to provide services for other people, not indulgence in themselves," said Beatrice. "Ronove is a good butler~ He knows what his duties are. He's far more cooperative than you, Battler; you could learn a lesson from him."

Battler winced slightly at this suggestion. What 'lesson' did Beatrice suggest he _learn _from that creepy butler? There were many things Battler could think of, but none of them were particularly... 'child-friendly', and was enough to make him flush slightly. He wondered if Beatrice was talking like that on purpose.

Judging by that twisted smirk, which would've been more fitting on a Halloween pumpkin than Beatrice's face, that was _exactly _what she was doing.

_Oh well. I'll have the last laugh. You just wait, Beato. And you too, Ronove. You laugh whilst you still have the full usage of your mouth._

Battler took a sip of his tea, trying to hide his blushing face. When he put the cup down, he'd managed to force his expression into a more neutral, apathetic one.

"It tastes pretty good, though. It seems a shame that it should be wasted on a person who's so very 'below you', right, Beato?"

"Ah, yes. That's true," Beatrice nodded. "When you die, I fully intend to cut open your stomach and take back all the food you've been eating on my hospitality, ihihihi~"

"Then, if that's the case, I should do the 'polite' and 'respectful' thing and start sharing, right?"

And, with a laugh that echoed Beatrice's perfectly, he took another mouthful of tea (which wasn't actually _that_ good); got to his feet and placed his hands at either side of Ronove's head.

"Battler?" Ronove asked.

Battler smiled, and leant forwards, whispering softly in Ronove's ear; "Haha, let's see who wins _this_ time."

"Battl-"

But Ronove never finished his question.

Battler slammed his lips down onto Ronove's in a rather violent kiss.

Battler didn't see Beatrice's reaction, but he could take a _wild _guess at it.

Smirking, Battler bit down on Ronove's lower lip, making him gasp in pain and surprise. Taking advantage of this, Battler slipped his tongue in Ronove's mouth, which only elicited another moan.

_Oh yeah. Who's in control _now? _You should know your place- I won't be defeated by the likes of you so easily!_

_...Why am I quoting Beatrice?_

_My own head is beginning to scare me._

Ronove's fingers wrapped round Battler's arms, and Battler wondered whether he was going to push him away. That would have been 'right' and 'proper'. But Battler didn't care about any of that. In retaliation Battler wrapped his own arms round Ronove's back, pulling him into an embrace, pressing his body against the other until it was almost impossible to be any closer. The concept of 'personal space' had now ceased to exist.

_I'm not going to lose now. No way._

Battler's move was rewarded with another breathy moan, as Ronove's fingers trailed up Battler's arms, resting in his hair, and actually that felt rather_ nice_, and it now Ronove was kissing back properly, and it was Battler who was making soft, breathy moans and trying to press against Ronove even more, even though it was impossible.

His knees felt weak; it was difficult to stand; his brain had been turned to liquid and he must have been _insane, _because that was the only explanation for _this_.

But Battler didn't much care about his sanity.

It didn't matter.

All that mattered was trying to force as many 'interesting' sounds of Ronove as possible; his mouth was warm, and Battler could taste that sub-par tea, which, when being eaten out of Ronove's tongue, tasted a _lot _better.

If he couldn't win at chess, then at least he could try and win and _this_- whatever 'this' was.

_So you _really _want to be a better than Ronove at sexual assault? How do you go from chess to sexual assault, anyway? I don't think they're that closely linked, or people wouldn't consider chess such a 'geeky', 'boring' game._

_Oh well. If I'm mad, then I might as well enjoy this. I've got nothing to lose._

"W-what's going on?"

Beatrice's half-surprised, half-angry shout was enough to bring Battler back to his senses. The haze of lust in his brain dissipated, like fog dispersed by the morning sun. He felt Ronove's head jerk backwards, as though he had only just remembered where they were, too; now, _that_ was incredibly clumsy of him.

Battler noticed the butler's face was slightly flushed, and his hair was messier than usual, and his lips looked just a tad swollen.

_Fuck. He looks kind of hot..._

Ronove opened his mouth a few times, but no sound came out. He wasn't even smiling; he looked confused, and his eyes were too wide, and his pupils were almost non-existent. Now, that was comforting; Battler had actually managed to render the damned butler speechless.

"What was that?" Beatrice asked in a liquid nitrogen, sub-zero voice. The surprise on her face was beginning to wane; now, instead, she looked pissed off. "If you don't give me an answer in less than five seconds I'll show you I can use magic to stuff candy in places more sensitive than the stomach! Get talking!"

Oh yes, she was _definitely _pissed off.

"Ah, Beato, I was just doing what you said," said Battler. His face was the picture of wide-eyed innocence, despite his rumpled clothes and hair.

"_What? _I said no such thing! That wasn't the sort of 'game' I had in mind."

"But you _did _tell me to be more respectful of my elders; and, well, I was just returning the favor. Ronove did the same thing to me a few hours ago, and I thought it would be _terribly _rude if I didn't do something for him in return," said Battler, leering.

Beatrice blinked several times in succession, like a doll. Then, she turned to fix Ronove with an awful, _awful_ look. It was enough to make Battler wince, and it wasn't even being directed at him.

"_Ronove!_ What is the meaning of this?"

"He can explain it to you," said Battler, offering Ronove a small smile and a wink. "Have fun with Beato. I'd like to hang around and watch, but I value my life more than that, ihihihi. Ciao."

And, in a cloud of golden butterflies, Battler vanished.

* * *

**a.n: **o/o  
this fandom. dese characters.  
why are they so much fun to write? XDD

i think the next chapter will the last one. or maybe there will be 2 more chapters, but IDEK.  
thank you to the people that read/review/fave/alert this weird... thing... XD

~**renahhchen xoxoxo**


	4. Direct Attack

**Checkmate**

Chapter Four

'_Direct Attack__'_

* * *

Battler sat in the sheltered area of the rose garden, staring dispassionately at the frozen landscape around him. The sun was paused overhead, like a video somebody had hit 'stop' on. Its rays were painted, unchanging, across the sky like a portrait. It offered no warmth- but it didn't need to. Whenever time froze on the 'game board', as Beatrice called it, it was neither hot nor cold; just temperate. There wasn't any wind, either.

Everything had stopped.

It was all grey, too; just looking those shades upon shades of black and white made Battler feel uneasy. It had been the worst when he visited the game board for the first time with Beatrice, though; and that unease had been multiplied tenfold when he'd seen that black and white version of himself.

The Battler Ushiromiya who only existed a piece in a game- doomed to die because of circumstances out of his control.

There was something incredibly depressing about being on the game board, and it wasn't just the frozen time or monochrome background.

There was an air of despair about everything. That world only existed to be broken, and every person who inhabited it would die.

Even that version of Battler.

"Man, I hate it here. It's even worse in the metaworld," Battler mumbled to himself, slumping forwards on the nearby table.

The metaworld didn't feel like such a cemetary, and it was filled with real people (well, maybe not 'real'… And maybe 'people' was the wrong word, too) whom Battler could actually converse with. Like the seven sisters of purgatory (who could be friendly, contrary to their names, when they weren't trying to maim him), or Beatrice, or Virgilia, or Ronove.

Ha.

Ronove.

Battler wondered what Beatrice was doing to him. He probably would have felt guilty, if the situation hadn't been so hilarious. Ronove would only get what he deserved; and Battler knew first-hand that Beatrice had a load of 'interesting' methods to punish the unfaithful that would make a BDSM enthusiast flush in embarrassment.

_Yeah. Beato really _does _have a lot of weird hobbies. I have to wonder where she got that chain and collar from._

Battler would have loved to watch as Beatrice cut Ronove down to size. He could have sat there with snacks, gloating over his victory. It wasn't often he got a chance to bask in feelings of success- his 'victories' against Beatrice were few and far between, and the ones he did achieve all felt empty.

But Battler knew, if he stayed in the metaworld, he'd only become the second target of Beatrice's wrath. The best way of ensuring his safety was to leave the metaworld and hide out in the game board until Beatrice tired herself out attacking Ronove.

It was cowardly, yes, but Battler wasn't stupid. When smart people saw a storm coming, they didn't stand their ground and try to fight against it. They ran away whilst they still had the legs to do so.

But that didn't mean the game board was a fun place to be.

It was boring, depressing, and just plain unpleasant- everything being with Beatrice and her demons wasn't.

"Man. I hope Beato tires herself out soon."

"Oh, I don't think that's very likely, hehehe~"

Battler jerked his head upwards at this new voice, eyes wide in shock. The movement was so violent he nearly gave himself whiplash. Wincing, blinking back tears of pain, Battler stared at the new person sat before him.

It was the blonde witch! The one with the weird candy fetish and the outfit _slightly_ more ridiculous than everyone else's!

"It's you!"

"Yes. Well done. It's me! Aren't you a smart cookie? You get a point!~" said the blonde witch cheerfully, extending her gloved hand out towards Battler. "I've seen you before, but I don't think we've ever been introduced formally, riiight? I would say 'nice to meet you', but, fufufufu, I think that's _your _line. I'm Lambdadelta."

"Oh, right. _Great. _More of you guys,_"_ Battler sighed, shaking her hand limply.

Once the initial shock had worn away, he was left with a rather glum, but undeniable, 100% certainty that this blonde magical girl was going to make his life a lot more complicated.

_Man, why can't these 'witches' be champions of love and justice like all other magical girls? I mean, they have the ridiculous outfits and cute faces- all they're lacking is human compassion and the ability to give a damn._

_I think I'd like these guys a lot more if they didn't all want to kill me._

"Huh? That's not very polite," Lambdadelta frowned, her lower lip jutting out. She looked like a child on the verge of throwing a tantrum. Battler was half afraid she'd start to shout, or scream, or cry, or try to bite him kick him. "You should be honored that IIII~, the Witch of the Absolute, Lambdadelta, has presented herself before you at all! I'm offended. Stupid huuu~man."

"Geez, don't tell me you're another Beato," Battler moaned, propping his head up with one hand. He looked at Lambdadelta's scowling face through messy bangs, half-heartedly blowing them out of his face. "I swear, you guys all have egos bigger than lovely Shannon's boobs."

"Well, I don't know about _that_. That might be taking it a bit too far!" exclaimed Lambdadelta, shaking her head. "But being a witch _entitles _you to have a large ego! We are, after all, faarrrr superior to you huuumans- you only exist to be pieces in our games. So. Know. Your. Place. Pawn. Hehehe~" Her final words were punctuated with regular flicks to Battler's forehead- or, at least, they had been, until Battler irritably slapped her grabby little fingers away.

"Don't do that."

"Humph~ You're no _funnn_," Lambdadelta whined, sticking out her tongue and pulling down at the skin under one eye. "BLEH! Boring! Absolutely booo~ring! No good at all! I want a refund on this useless little human!"

"Then leave me alone. I don't want to be stuck talking to a fairytale creature whose name I can't even pronounce."

"It's Lambdadelta! Lam-ba-del-_**ta**_!" This time, she accentuated each syllable by giving Battler a swift kick to the shin under the table. "Easy to remember! Totally easy! You're just uncultured!"

"Who cares?" Battler asked, rolling his eyes. "Where do you pick your names from, anyway? Couldn't you have chosen something more normal?"

"A witches name is a sign of her status! And '_normal?_' Says the boy called _Battler?_ Us~hi~ro~mi~ya Battler! …Oooh~" Lambdadelta giggled, her eyes shining like supernovas. "_Bahhhh-ttler!" _She giggled again, even harder this time. "Ushiromiya _Bahhhh-ttler! _Oh my gosh, it's so super-fun to say that! No wonder Beato does it so much! Hehehe- ow!"

Battler had just flicked in the side of the head.

Lambdadelta glared up at Battler, one hand moving to prod her poor, assaulted cheek slowly. "What was _that_ for?"

"Don't make digs about my name. I don't care if you're an Endless Absolute Witch or whatever-"

"That's 'Witch of the Absolute', stuuupid! Dummy! Uselesss!"

"Oops," said Battler, voice deadpan, shrugging. "_So _sorry. But, seriously, I don't care what you are. You leave my name alone. I've heard it all before- it gets _old. _And the last thing I need is a piece of Gothic Lolita jailbait with awful fashion sense making fun of me- like you aren't enough of a joke yourself."

Lambdadelta's fingers curled into fists against her cheek. Her eyes narrowed. Everything about her looked cold, steely and rather foreboding, even despite the copious amounts of pink and the assorted ribbons and candy clipped into her blonde hair. It took a _truly _scary person to make such an outfit look badass; now, that deserved some kind of respect.

Battler wondered if Lambdadelta was going to hit him, or turn him into a frog.

But she did none of those things.

Instead, her expression softened, and she began to giggle.

"Ooh! 'Gothic Lolita jailbait'?" she asked, grinning. "I don't think I've heard that one before!~ I mean, Bern makes snide digs about me all the time, in that super-cold ice queen way of hers, but she's never called me 'jailbait'! How funny! You do realise I'm over a thousand years old, right, _Bahhh~ttler?_ In this small body is a world's worth of experience! You can't compete with me, little boy! Gyahahaha!~ Haha~"

"At least I don't look like an unfortunate explosion in a candy factory," said Battler, that smirk he usually reserved for mental sparring with Beatrice tugging at his lips. "And I'm sorry, small girl, but I'm not interested in anybody who looks like a twelve year old! I'm not interested in that sick stuff. Come back when you're a few years older!"

Lambdadelta giggled childishly. It was nothing at all like Beatrice's insane cackling- it was more 'sweet', like sugar. And when she next spoke, her voice was like honey;

"Ooh, maybe there is some fight in you after all! You're not a complete waste-of-space sack of meat like all those other boring huu~mans on the game board. You're, um, let's see…" She tapped her lower lip with one finger thoughtfully for a few moments, before her face brightened again. "I know! Sparky!"

Battler quirked a brow. "Sparky?"

Lambdadelta nodded. "Yep yep!"

"Okay…?"

"It's a good thing. I'm complimenting you. Be happy about it."

"Oh yay," said Battler flatly. If he'd injected any more sarcasm into the words, they would've gone into angst overload and died.

Horribly.

"Hehe~ I was wondering whether it was a waaaste of time talking to you, but…" She smiled so sweetly Battler could already begin to feel the onset of diabetes. "I guess I was right first time! Well, I am _always_ am, but it's nice to be reminded you really _are_ just that awesomely omega-intelligent~ Haha, Bern doesn't understand my genius. Oh man, geniuseses- genii?... oh well!- are never appreciated."

"What do you want?" Battler asked bluntly, cutting through Lambdadelta's musings on the correct plural of 'genius' with words sharp enough to slice through metal.

"Ooh! So straight-to-the-point~ I like it!"

"And I don't really care."

Battler was in no mood to entertain insane witches. He already had his hands full with Beatrice; his life wasn't a free-for-all for magical creatures to drift into and screw around with whenever they so chose. Surely were other poor humans out there to irritate.

Maybe he was just 'lucky'.

"Hmn, very well. Ushiromiya _Bahhh_~ttler~"

"What? What do you want?" Battler asked, sighing.

"Ooh, ignore that~ I just felt like saying your name. It's addictive!"

Battler glared at her sourly.

"I couldn't help it, hehehe!~" Lambdadelta smiled, winking. "Sorry, sorry. I'll be serious now! Look? Look at me?" She pointed towards her face. Her lips were now pulled into a small line, and her eyes were blank. "Totally serious. So, if you'll listen to my proposition (not that you have a choiiice)… Ahem~"

And, after clearing her throat, Lambdadelta slammed her fists onto the table. In a split second she had pushed herself out of her chair, and was learning forwards across the table so her face was inches away from Battler's.

Battler recoiled at this sudden close contact, his head hitting the back of his chair with a dull clang. He winced, as a splitting pain exploded in the back of his head- and Lambdadelta's amused giggles weren't helping matters. They were just aggravating his on-coming headache.

_Man, __all__ witches are headaches, full stop- and not just in the mental conundrum 'you can't exist, why are you existing, stop exiting right now!' kind of way._

_Why've they all got to have such disagreeable personalities, too?_

"I saw what you were doing with Ronove!" Lambdadelta said excitedly, in the manner of one describing the latest plot twist in a soap opera. "I was really, really surprised! At first I was all 'oh, Beato's got an interesting new game going on here', but then I saw the look on her face, and it was priceless! Ahh, oh my God, you have seen it- except you sort of couldn't, but what~evvver! Ohmigod best. Thing. _Ever._ Kyahahahaha!"

Ah. Now _that_ laugh was a significant upgrade on her sugar-and-spice coated girlish giggles. That laugh was _**far**_ more suitable for a witch.

"You were watching me?" Battler asked, cringing. He had to fight very hard to keep the threatening blush from his face; that would be a sign of defeat. He wasn't _embarrassed,_ either- he hadn't kissed Ronove for any other reason than revenge. "You witches really do get your kicks in odd ways, you damned voyeur."

"Voyeur? Me? Oh nononono~" said Lambdadelta, prodding Battler on the forehead. "It was your fault for not being careful! In the metaworld you nevveer know who's waaatching you. Making yourself invisible isn't oh-so-difficult for a witch like me- or a bunch of other witches and demons you haven't even met yet! We all sit around and talk about how uselessss you are when we get bored, see? Silly, _silly_ Battler."

"Tch," Battler sighed, eyes narrowing. "I'll remember that next time."

Lambdadelta's eyes began to shine even more at this; her glowing expression was no longer a supernova, but a whole galaxy of them. She was so bright it almost burned.

"A next time? There's going to be a next time?" she asked eagerly.

"Hey, don't sound so over-excited. It's _creepy_," said Battler, shifting slightly in his chair.

"I'm _meant_ to be creepy! Well, creepy-cute. I'm a witch! It comes with the job description! Ha~" She preened, straightening up, buffering her nails on her dress. "I'll consider it mission accomplished if my perfectly adorable face haunts your dreams! Kyahahaha!"

"Ah, well, when you're done cackling to yourself, do you think you could spare me enough time to tell me what on earth you're babbling about?"

Lambdadelta's mad cackles subsided with this. Her eyes widened slightly, and her mouth opened in a small 'o'. Now, she looked like a young girl ready to confess her love to some guy.

"Oops! Sorry, sorry. I got a little carried away, eheheh~ It's easy to get psyched up when something interesting happens! Stupid, stuupid Lambdadelta- don't make that mistake again~" She giggled, lightly bonking herself about the head. Then, still smiling like a cat with a tasty fish, she banged her palms on the table once more and leant down, bringing her face so close to Battler's he could feel her breath against his face.

"Anywaaay! What was I saying? Um… Ah, yes! Hehe~" Lambdadelta smiled. "Seeing Beato's face after you did that Ronove was sooo funny! Gyahahaha!"

"Your point being…?"

"You should keep pissing her off! Make her angry! Make her angry!" Lambdadelta's face got slowly closer and closer to Battler's as she spoke. Her lips pulled into a deranged smile. Battler even thought, for a few mad moments, she had serrated teeth, like shards of glass stuck out of her gums. "I mean, don't make her angry enough to, like, kill anyone, but what you're doing right now is sooo entertaining it'd be a shame to stop just once! I've never seen Beato that angry in decades! Entertain me, play with me! Gyahahaha!"

"Sorry, you freak, but I'm not going to make out with Ronove for your own amusement," said Battler, reaching forwards to push Lambdadelta's head away. "I'm going to have to PASS on that! There's a name for that, and if you're into that stuff, just watch some porn like everyone else!"

Battler wasn't able to keep Lambdadelta's face away from his for too long, though. He felt a small jolt of pain through his finger, like getting a papercut, and pulled his hand away quickly with a short gasp of pain.

He was bleeding.

Battler glared at Lambdadelta with narrowed eyes, watching as she slowly, like a cat savoring milk from a saucer, licked her lips with her pink, pointed tongue.

"Y-you just _bit _me!"

"Mn~ _Bahhh~_ttler tastes good," Lambdadelta grinned, pressing a finger against her lower lip. "I think it needs more sugar, though. Sugar makes eeeverything better!~"

"Oh no no, you are not using your weird powers to turn me into a human sugar cookie!" Battler protested, stabbing a finger in her face. "I wouldn't forgive you if you did that!"

"I don't care if you'd forgive me or not. I have no concept of the word. People do what I tell them to do- what you think and feel doesn't enter into it! Ohoho!~ Oh, I'm so _horrible_!~"

And with that, Lambdadelta grabbed hold of Battler's arm and pulled him roughly to his feet. She was a lot stronger than she looked- the sudden force was enough to make Battler overbalance, trip over his own feet, pitch forwards and hit his chin on the table. He felt his teeth sinking into his own tongue and made a sharp yelp of pain.

"Oh no~" Lambdadelta said, tilting her head slightly. "Did that hurt? Did it _hurrrt_? I don't wanna break Beato's toy or she'll scold me! I only want to play with him a bit!"

"I'm _fine_," Battler spat angry, getting to his feet. He wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. When he drew it away, the white material was spattered with dark red. "Urgh. That _hurt_, you damn bitch."

"I know I'm a bitch. But I'm also a witch- and that comes in the job description tooo~ Stuupid Battler!" Lambdadelta chastised, sticking out her tongue playfully.

In one swift movement, before Battler had really found his bearing, she had hold of Battler's tie. She pulled him down roughly so their faces were even- and Battler stumbled again at this, but Lambdadelta made sure he didn't fall.

"Anyway, I never saaiddd you had to do that stuff with Ronove! I mean, that was funny and all, but what's wrong with sharing? Isn't that what you preaching back there with Beato, Bahhh~ttler?"

"I don't give a damn about what _you _want-"

"Why don't you do that with me?"

"W-what?" Battler blinked at her, eyes widening to double their usual size. "W-what are you suggesting?"

"Stupid, so stuuupid. I know you're pretty dense, Bahhh-ttler- I mean, heheh, you haven't even beaten _Beato_ yet, and she's not the brightest crayon in the box- but this is just _stupid_! You know how 'human biology' works, right?" Lambdadelta pouted, using her free hand to prod Battler on the nose. "You know what I mean! Do that stuff with _meee_! It'll be fun!"

Battler was beginning to feel distinctly uncomfortable having this insane witch so close to his face; for all Battler knew, she'd try sticking a finger in his eye or biting off his nose, just to see what would happen. Witches might have been able to laugh at such wounds, but Battler liked his face how it was, and didn't want some curious little Gothic Lolita girl trying to give him DIY plastic surgery.

"N-no way!" Battler yelled, trying to push her away- but her grip on him was like iron, and she didn't loosen her grip on his tie. Trying to escape only served in nearly choking him- which wasn't very pleasant.

"Don't be so troublesome," Lambdadelta scowled, "or you'll get hurt. Although, that would be pretty interesting too. Ohohohohoho!"

"Get off me!"

"I don't want to! I want to have fuuun! Stuffing people full with candy? That's just a waste of food! Impaling people with stakes? How messy and disgusting! Beato wastes her time with stuff like that, but this could be more exciting, right, Battleeerrrr?"

"Not with _you_! You look like a twelve year old! I'm not _that_ much of a pervert! I already said, come back in a few years if you _really _want a shot at me, little girl."

"Then pretend I'm somebody else~ Then it'll be fine, right? Riiight? I want to be involved in this game too! I don't wanna sit on the sidelines! Not fair, it's not fair! I get bored too! So I'll take a direct approach! Kyahahahaaaa!"

Battler winced, as he felt Lambdadelta's head getting close and closer to his, her eyes glimmering like colored glass, her mouth grinning, revealing her pink, cat-like tongue and those sharp teeth and-

_Oh shit._

_My life has turned into a dating sim._

_I guess that wouldn't be so bad (it's only been, like, my life's dream to have adorable girls flocking over me!) but when your only options are a twelve-year old Gothic Lolita and a demon butler with an effeminate laugh, then you _know _your love life is pretty much fucked. _

_This _sucks.

* * *

**a.n: **XDD Everybody wants Battler. Despite his ridiculous name.  
Now, that /is/ something to be proud of.  
Oh yeah, they'll definitely be another chapter. I think this might end up being longer than I intended XD~ Everything I write does that :/ _Everything._  
Also, those damned tildes (~) are invading my work. It's like lice- they're everywhere! And if you read them in other fics, eventually you start doing them yourself! O:

I had to take a whole bunch out when I was re-reading this, and there are still a load left XD

Other than that- writing Lambdadelta is fuuuun :3

**~renahhchen xoxoxo**


	5. Retreat

**Checkmate**

Chapter Five

'Retreat'

* * *

Battler winced as Lambdadelta's face drew closer and closer to his. Her eyes were wide and filled with a child-like curiosity, which somehow managed to make her look completely innocent- even though she was trying to assault him.

_It's not fair. I guess people like _her _can look cute and pure no matter what they do, but I've had people accuse __me__ of being a pervert- 'people' generally equalling, but is not limited to, Jessica- whilst I was sitting down reading a book! Where is the justice in the world?_

Lambdadelta's lips brushed Battler's slowly, and Battler to pull away, but her grip on his tie was still iron-strong; if he'd tried to pull away any harder, there was a good chance his head would part company with the rest of his body.

Battler didn't even want to _think _about what that deranged, candy-obsessed witch would do if that really happened. He doubted his body being in two pieces would upset her too much- or affect her plans.

Of course, by trying his hardest not to think about Lambdadelta's weird kinks (he hoped necrophilia _wasn't_ one of them), his brain instantly threw a dozen or so scenarios at him, with so much force he began to feel physically ill.

_Why does my mind hate me so much?_

_Eurghh- I'll never be able to look at candy canes in the same way again…_

_Despite being in such an illogical world with such illogical creatures, watching grisly murders like it was a horror movie marathon, I used to possess a small, shining light of hope and virtue that kept me going._

_You, Lambdadelta, have killed that light._

The blonde witch made a small mewl of happiness, and Battler felt her trying to deepen the kiss, and she tasted very much of sugar and jam and candy and a whole cornucopia of other painfully sweet things that were almost enough to make him gag and-

"Lady Lambdadelta. My apologises, but I am afraid you are playing with a toy that doesn't belong to you. Please give it back."

Lambdadelta's head jerked away from Battler's, her fingers still curled around his tie. The sudden movement threw Battler forwards. Lambdadelta would've been dragged down with him, had she not released his tie.

Battler was the only one that hit the floor.

He landed awkwardly, on his knees, and gave a small gasp of pain.

_Man, I'm getting pretty sick being pushed around this pint-sized reject from a Visual Kei band!_

But he'd rather be sat on the floor than in Lambadelta's grasp.

At least he could _breathe _again.

No matter how much air he inhaled, however, that horrible, sweet, rancid, saccharine taste lingered in his mouth. If Lambdadelta hadn't pulled away at the last moment, would he have drowned in the immeasurably sweet sugar bowl that was her mouth?

Whilst that sounded very pleasant and romantic, it… really hadn't been.

Battler decided then and there that he loved his saviour very much and would rather like to give them a hug.

"What are _youuu _doing here?" Lambdadelta scowled, stamping her foot on the floor.

"I merely came to remind you, Lady Lambdadelta, that Milady has no patience for people who try and steal her toys. She can be very selfish at times, and angry with it- and you wouldn't want to get hurt, would you?"

Battler looked up, shuddering slightly, to see Ronove stood before him.

Well, of course.

_Mayyybe I'll have to reconsider that whole 'hugging' thing._

"Huhhh? You talk too much, stuuupid butler," Lambdadelta said, pouting. "Why aren't you being beaten up by Beato? You had your fingers all over Bahh-ttler a few seconds ago- she should've torn you limb from limb! Gouge the head and kill! Gouge the chest and kill! Keeping gouging and killing forever and ever, riiight?~ Isn't that what the fearful Golden Witch Beatrice does? Or… fufufu… maybe she's going sofftt in her old age! Gyahaha!~"

"Ah- quite the opposite," Ronove replied cordially, shaking his head. "Milady is more than proficient in… ah… chastising those who step out of line. Fortunately, my status as a highly-ranked demon was able to protect me, but, aha… I fear, if I hadn't left before she summoned the seven sisters of purgatory, I would most certainly be an unfit state to present myself before a great witch such as yourself, Lady Lambdadelta."

Battler wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but Ronove looked slightly paler than usual during this recollection.

_Man. Beato pulls so many over-the-top insane expressions I sometimes forget to take her seriously. But when she wants to be, she can be truly horrifying._

_I'd much rather it was _you_ on the receiving end of that 'horror' than me, though, Ronove._

_Ihihihihi~_

"Oh? What's this 'status' thing?" Lambdadelta asked, tilting her head sideways. She giggled. "No living creature- not even a demon like youuu- can ever HOPE to match up with a witch! Why- fufufufu- you're even lower down in our hierarchy than the foolish child you serve!~ If I were Beato, I'd have hurt you even moreee~ Gyahahaha!"

"That being the case, I am rather thankful I am employed by Milady instead of you."

"Fufufufu~ You just count your lucky stars."

Battler was begin to feel a headache coming on. It probably had something to do with Lambdadelta's insane laughter. She sounded like a stuck cassette; the tape inside was being eaten and mangled so the same sound repeated over and over again.

Endlessly.

Battler could taste blood in his mouth. It mingled with the saccharine aftertaste of Lambdadelta's tongue. Wincing, feeling slightly sick, he turned to spit out the vile mix of spit and blood out onto the floor.

"Ewww~ Grossss!~ Gyahahaha!"

Battler ignored the blonde witch. Instead, he turned back to look at Ronove, staring through his messy bangs. The butler was walking towards him.

"Are you alright, Battler?" Ronove asked, smiling softly as he extended his hand towards the fallen teen. "Witches are not known for their gentle ways or mild manners- I hope Lady Lamdadelta hasn't done anything reckless."

"Why're you worrying about me? Ha. L-like I need it," Battler said, forcing confidence into his voice. He wiped his lips with the back of his sleeve. "After being pushed around by Beato all the time, this little Gothic Lolita misfit-" he pointed towards the giggling Lambdadelta "-with the tacky clothes and the candy fetish is nothing."

Battler smirked, then shoved Ronove's hand away. He didn't help from demons- that would've been admitting defeat! Instead, he got to his feet slowly, shakily, by himself.

As he stood there he trembled ever so slightly- and Battler saw Ronove twitch at every faint motion, as though ready to dash in and catch him if he fell, like the prince in some fairytale. Well, screw that- Battler didn't need any help. Through sheer force of will, and the disgust at the mere _thought _of being 'saved' by Ronove, he managed to keep himself upright.

"Pu ku ku ku~ It takes a braver man than I to call Lady Lambdadelta such things. Despite her appearance, she can be quite terrifying," said Ronove.

"Oh, I can do much, _muuchhh_ worse than 'terrifying'!" Lambdadelta retorted, that wide smile never leaving her face. "_Especially _when people interrupt my playtime! I'm only here to have fun, see? I~ don't~ care~ about~ any~thing~ elseee~! Or… kukukuku… any_one _else."

"Man, she's even worse than Maria," Battler said, rolling his eyes. "Does she come with an on/off switch?"

"That certainly would make life easier. I have contemplated the practicalities of such a thing from time to time," said Ronove.

The grin on his face was making Battler feel uneasy. He couldn't help but wonder what, exactly, Beatrice had done to him- but his mind had drawn a blank.

_There are some things in this world I'd be happier not knowing._

_This is one of them._

"But you have to understand Lady Lambdadelta's feelings, Battler. Powerful witches like her- and this, indeed, also holds true for Milady- believe themselves to be above human etiquette. When they want things, they usually get them- and they don't like sharing. This selfish nature begins to manifest itself in all creatures with great power, regardless of whether they're a witch, demon or human being- it's almost inevitable. So do not think too harshly of Lady Lambdadelta; she doesn't know any better."

"That doesn't make me feel any better," Battler argued, shaking his head. "That's no good. That's no good at all! Childish people like her need to be taught a lesson! You can't always have what you want!"

Lambdadelta recoiled slightly at this, surprise flickering across her face.

Then, demented smile was back. It clawed its way onto her sugar plum fairy face from the darkest depths of hell.

"You can't tell me what to do, Ushiromiya Bahhh~ttler, you're only a humannn!"

Then, she paused.

Shook her head.

"No! Not even that! A chess piece in a witches' game! Gyahahaha! So drop the airs and graces! You want to discipline me? That's so funny!~ Fufufu~ How foolish~"

She giggled softly, wiping her eyes with her gloved hands. It seemed she'd begun to cry- literally cry- from mirth; tears were welling at the corners of her eyes, like pearls.

"You have to stop making me laugh, Bahhhh~ttler! Hehehe~ M-my stomach~~ It huuurts~"

Battler glared at her.

At the sight of this, Lambdadelta's laughter only became louder.

"Gyahaha! S-stop looking at me like that! Ihihihi… hihi… hi…" She pressed her hand to her mouth, as though trying to stifle her giggles- but, within time, the broke through, in a torrent. "I-it's no good! Fufufu… I think my sides are going to split… Kyahahahaha!"

Battler's eyes narrowed. He gritted his teeth.

_I hope you choke on your laughter and die, fucking bitch!_

"You might not take _me _seriously, but if you piss off Beato-"

"Oooh? What's this?" Lambdadelta asked, tilting her head. "Are you threatening me, Ushiromiya Bahhh~ttler? Is that what you're doing? Well then… Fufu… You're even stuuu~pider than I thought."

"And why's that!"

Lambdadelta's eyes widened. Her pupils dilated.

When she next spoke, her voice was much softer than usual.

"Only people with a death wish would try to threaten me… Hehehehe…"

Lambdadelta then turned to face Ronove. Her arms were wrapped round her shoulders and she was swaying slightly, that manic grin firmly in place, her teeth looking much too sharp- and weren't there _way _too many of them?- for that innocent, girlish face. It looked like a soul-sucking monster had devoured the heart of a young girl and was using her body for its own malevolent purposes. The insane glimmer in her eyes did not belong on a face like hers.

"And you! Ronove! You're only Beato's _furniture_," she spoke the word with a disgusted smirk, as though it were obscene. "I'm _much_ stronger than Beato- what can _you, _her useless _furniture_, do to a powerful witch like meee?~ It would be kind of funny to watch, maybe- but in the end you're totally screwed! Gyahaha!"

"I'm pleased to see you find this situation so amusing, Lady Lambdadelta," said Ronove smoothly, without a trace of sarcasm. He inclined his head slightly towards her.

"Humph! Don't give me any of that!" Lambdadelta shot back, flipping a few strands of hair over her shoulder. "I'm much, muchhh too amazing for your hollow compliments to do me justice!"

"Ah- I should have known. I apologise."

"Yep. You should. Thousands of times over- but I can fix that later~ Now." She made a dismissive motion with her hand. "Step aside, useless furniture! I wanna talk to Battler!~"

"I'm afraid we might have a slight problem, then- though I'm sure we can come to some kind of compromise, like the mature people we are."

"Bleh!" Lambdadelta stuck out her tongue at the word 'mature'. She made it sound like 'maturity' was some horrible, debilitating disease that ate away at the body, mind and soul. "I don't want to do that! 'Mature' is borringg! Now go away! Get lost! Get out of my sight!"

Ronove sighed a little at this, though the smile didn't leave his face.

"I was afraid of this. It seems I cannot follow your wishes, Lady Lambdadelta. I suppose that makes us enemies."

"'Enemies?' Really?" Lambdadelta asked. "You think too highly of yourself! You're not _worthy_ to be my opponent! I'll crush you in an instant! Don't make me laugh! Except- oops! Fufufufu… You already did!"

"Oh dear. What an unrefined lady."

"Huh? What's this nonsense about being 'refined'? There is no elegance in warrr- at least… hehe…" When Lambdadelta next spoke, her voice was significantly less airy and childlike; "not between those who know how to fight _properly_." Then, she tilted her head, smiled like the personification of sunflowers and happiness, and that childish voice was back, full-force. "Hehe- what a dummy! War isn't ballet- it doesn't matter if you were most 'refined' if you've been sliced into steak cutlets! Gyahahahahaha!"

"I beg to differ, Lady Lambdadelta- but I digress. I can see you are quite intent on fighting against me," said Ronove lightly. He was using the same tone of voice one would adapt when speaking with a difficult child- and, Battler thought, that was more or less exactly what Lambdadelta _was_. "However, what do you suppose Lady Bernkastel would have to say about your behaviour?"

At this, Lambdadelta took a few steps back, tottering slightly, as though she'd been punched in the stomach.

"B-bern?" Her voice was a mixture of surprise and hurt.

She swallowed.

Her fingers clenched into fists.

When she finally looked up, the expression on her face was more poisonous than cyanide- but she was still smiling, practically from ear to ear. Battler was half afraid her smile would wrap round her head like a zipper and the top part of her head would fall off.

"Bern? Why're you talking about herrr? This has nothing to do with Bern- no~thingggg! I can have fun without her, y'know! I just wanna enjoy myself- and think I'll start by, um, let's see~" Her eyes widened, and she pressed a finger to her cheek, looking up at the sky. "I could dice you into pieces, or set you on fire, or decapitate you~ Fufufufu~ Oh, I can't choose! It all sounds so much fun! Maybe I'll do it ALL AT ONCE!~ Gyahahahahaaaa!"

She was laughing so hard Battler wouldn't have been surprised if her throat tore and blood bubbled from her cackling mouth.

Then, Lambdadelta dived forwards.

She moved quicker than Battler's eyes could perceive. He couldn't see her clearly- just thousands of faint afterimages.

Battler had seen that fantasy battle between Virgilia and Beatrice- but he hadn't expected to be caught up in one himself.

It had been easy to denounce _that_ battle was fake, but when he was caught up in one himself, it felt horribly real.

"Battler, please get back."

"H-huh?"

Before Battler knew what was going on, he felt fingers close round his arm- he gave a small noise of surprise- and then he roughly shoved backwards behind Ronove.

_Huh._

_So even though I deliberately pissed Beato off and let him take the flak, he's still trying to protect me._

_Well… I guess it's in his job description._

_I don't think Beato's mood would be improved if this explosion-in-a-candy-shop disaster _really _diced me into food fit for a five star restaurant._

Battler turned. Scrunched his eyes shut.

Unwittingly, out of fear for his own life- not thinking clearly- Battler felt himself place his arms round Ronove's middle. He ducked his head.

But his worry turned out to be baseless.

"A-ah? A-a barrier? Fffff- no faairr!"

Battler opened his eyes.

Looked over Ronove's shoulder.

There was, indeed, a barrier of light surrounding both him and Ronove. Lambdadelta was stood on the other side, her face screwed up into an unpleasant scowl.

"No fair, no faairrr!" Lambdadelta whined, kicking at the floor. She looked a child whose favourite toy had been taken away. "I wanted to plaa~aay! Don't be such a spoilsport!"

"My, my. You may be a powerful witch, Lady Lambdadelta- but you are also a foolish one if you believe I will stand back and let you attack an important person like Battler. What do you suppose Milady would say about that? Pu ku ku ku~"

Lambdadelta's left eye twitched.

"Man, you reaallyyy are FULL OF-"

"My, my, Lambda. You really _are_ making a spectacle of yourself. Congratulations."

Battler could hear the sound of slow, steady clapping.

Both Battler, Ronove and Lambdadelta turned their heads in unison.

"B-b-bern?"

A young girl with eyes as expressive as a drowned woman's and long, blue hair was sat at the table, as though she'd been there all along. She let her hands drop to take the china-patterned teacup resting on the table before her.

"This has nothing to do with me, does it, Lambda?" the newcomer asked, staring pensively into the contents of her teacup. "…I find that somewhat difficult to believe. You're telling lies again. If you're not careful, your tongue will turn black and crumble to dust."

Forgetting her rage and anger, Lambdadelta ran over to the aloof newcomer and tried to throw her arms round her- however, Bernkastel placed her cup down on the saucer and pushed Lambdadelta away with one hand. The cold, dead expression on her face did not waver.

"B-bern!" Lambdadelta whined, pouting. Her lower lip trembled. "W-why are you being so meaannn?"

Bernkastel gave her a sideways glance from underneath her bangs.

"You've been acting without thinking again, Lambda. Watching idiots arguing with other idiots is hardly entertaining."

"H-huh? B-bern, I'm not boring!"

"Then think before you act. An elegant game that utilises intelligence is more worthwhile than the game you were trying to construct. I want no part in something so undignified."

"But Berrrnnnn!~"

Bernkastel blinked at her slowly. Then, she picked up her cup, and took another delicate sip of tea. Throughout the movement, her eyes never left Lambdadelta's wide, amber ones.

"Neither do I appreciate your flirtations with Battler. It was unnecessary and unpleasant to watch. If my words and actions happen to offend you again, do not try to counter me by upsetting the pieces in a game that doesn't involve you. Confront me directly- do not embroil me in such slipshod states of affair."

Bernkastel stared at Lambdadelta over the top of her teacup, her fingers curled delicately round the handle with her little finger stuck out. She looked just like a real princess.

An _ice _princess.

Did she really have a heart?

Battler wondered whether he should kneel or bow before her.

"Ohoho?" Lambdadelta giggled, placing her fingers over the top of Bernkastel's teacup and pressing it back down onto the table. She pressed her face in close against Bernkastel's- though the empty-eyed witch did not flinch. "'Unnecessary?' 'Unpleasant?' 'Slipshod?' Those are pretty strong words from youuu, Bern! Were you jealous? Were you, were you? Do you want to punish Bahh~ttler for stealing my attention? Hehehehehe!"

"Hardly. I realise that this was your true intention- however, witnessing your childish behaviour does not endear me to you, and will not make me reconsider my previous words."

"Bernnnn!~ Don't say things like that to meee! You love me really!~ Uwahhh!" Lambdadelta wailed.

Lambdadelta's grabby, needy fingers took hold of both sides of Bernkastel's mouth. She tried to pull her lips into a smile. However, the dead-eyed witch slapped her fingers away easily, and picked up her teacup once more.

Lambdadelta recoiled, grumbling, as though she'd been hit by lightening.

"Please refrain from speaking to me until you have regained some sense."

"Ber~nnn!"

Bernkastel stared at her blankly, with the eyes of a corpse. Her skin was papery white, too. She looked more like a doll than a living creature, with ball joints and an unchanging, porcelain face.

"Bern! If you were nicer to I wouldn't have to go and find entertainment with uncivilised people like that!" Lambdadelta said, stabbing a finger at Battler. "Why can't you be nicer? Whyyyyy? What did I do wronggg?"

Lambdadelta sighed.

"I cannot abide idiots."

And, with that, her body began to break away into a stream of golden butterflies- cup and saucer and all.

"Bern! Hey, Bern, come back! Don't call me an idiot! That's low, that's realll low!" Lambdadelta yelled angrily at the multitude of butterflies, swatting at a couple of them as a cat would try to attack birds that were obviously out of reach. "You're the one being childish! Don't run away from me! Kyahhhh!"

Battler couldn't help but stare at that ridiculous scene. A twelve year old girl wearing candy in her hair trying to catch golden butterflies, whilst shouting at the air and stamping her feet?

Sure, why not.

_It's just another normal day in the life of Ushiromiya Battler._

…_and that's rather depressing._

_A-and, why am I still holding onto Ronove…?_

Jumping slightly, Battler pushed the butler away and folded his arms- but that didn't stop Ronove from smirking in a knowing matter.

"Ch." With a small noise of displeasure, Battler turned his head away and folded his arms.

After a few moments of fruitless butterfly catching (or_ not_ catching, as it were) Lambdadelta gave up with a sigh, and whirled round. She pointed one finger at Battler.

"Hey! You!"

"Who, me? What do you want- ow!"

Lambdadelta had just punched him in the face.

Battler realised the hard way the barrier had already broken.

"W-what was that for?" Battler asked angrily, nursing his cheek. It didn't matter he'd escaped Beatrice's rage- he was getting beaten up by this weird stand-in Beatrice with the candy fetish anyway.

"Because." And with that, Lambdadelta prodded him in the forehead again. "Because you made Bern angry with me! You're so~ooo meaannn! Why'd you go and do that, dumbass?"

She was shouting so loudly, her face pressed right into Battler's, that Battler could literally feel the exclamation marks from her verbal assault digging into his skull. Her spit- which probably tasted of candy and gumdrops- was spraying in his face.

"I-it wasn't _my _fault, you little freak! You tried to _kill _me! That innocent act is no good- absolutely no good at all! You're really pissing me off!"

Moving forwards, Battler made to grab Lambdadelta's shoulders and shake some sense into her.

It wasn't that easy, though.

The blonde witch phased out of existence the moment Battler's fingers touched her arm- it was almost like she had never been there at all.

"Gyahaha! How uselesss~"

Battler whirled round, eyes narrowed, to see Lambdadelta sat at the table, head proper up by both hands. She was grinning.

"Fucking _bitch_."

He tried to grab hold of her again- but, like last time, her body began to crumble away into nothingness. Once more, Battler nearly tripped over, and had to steady himself by holding onto the table top. He could hear Lambdadelta's irritating laughter behind him.

She was hovering a little way above his head now, drifting lazily like a pink, cotton candy cloud.

"Whaaat?" she asked, quirking a brow. "Did you think I'd let you get me _this_ time? Do you know what they call people who repeat the same steps over and ovverrrrr again with the hope of a different outcome, hmmm? I wonderrr~ Fufufufu~"

"Tch…" Battler made a small noise of irritation, his teeth clenching together.

"They call them insane, Ushiromiya Bahhh-ttler!~ Gyahahahahaaa! Hahahaha… Ha… Heh… Fufufu~" Lambdadelta's insane laughter slowly trailed off into something less demonic, and Battler saw her placing her fingers gingerly on her throat. "Geez. Doing that too long is mur~der~ on your vocal chords. Bleh. _Urgh."_

Battler made to grab at that annoying witch again- but this time he found he couldn't. And it wasn't because of Lambdadelta.

Something was keeping him in place.

He turned around, eyes narrowed, to see Ronove's gloved hand placed on his shoulder.

"R-Ronove?"

"As amusing as this comedy scene is, I would strongly advise you not to launch a physical attack on Lady Lambdadelta. It is impossible to defeat her by such means; and it would be foolhardy to try. The only one who can control her is Lady Bernkastel- and her appearance seems to have neutralised Lady Lambdadelta at the moment."

"Hehe. Well spoken~" Lambdadelta nodded, smiling. "He's right, Bahh-ttler! It's uselesss~"

"You… are _really _pissing me off," Battler hissed at her.

"Well then, that's a pity. Whatchu gonna doo~ooo about it?" Lambdadelta taunted.

Battler winced at these words. Then, he turned his head away. He wasn't sure what to do- every time he got close to her she would vanish from beneath his fingertips. Like a cat, she wouldn't let anybody touch her that she didn't want to.

Lambdadelta knew this. She began to giggle to herself again.

"Seeee? See how stupid you are?" she teased, bumping her fist against her head lightly and sticking out her tongue.

"Damn witch…"

"Anyway~" Lambdadelta beamed angelically, her whole face lighting up like a Christmas tree. "I would loveee to stay and talk with you a little more, Ushiromiya Bahh~ttler- you really _are_ very interesting!- but I don't think I caan~ I haven't got enough room for you on busybusybusy schedule anymore~"

"So you're going to _leave_? Just like that?" Battler asked.

He wasn't sure why, but he felt cheated. Maybe because that blonde witch had been such a pain- and now she was just going to disappear. That would be like Beato throwing in their 'game' with the explanation that she was 'bored'.

Which, Battler mused, was almost exactly what was going on here.

He didn't want Lambdadelta to leave so easily, on her own violation. Then it would feel like she'd won!

He balled his fingers into fists, and tried to move forwards- but Ronove's hand on his shoulder anchored him in place, and Battler was reminded, once again, of how truly powerful these witches and demonic people were.

_How annoying._

"Hmn…" Lambdadelta frowned, tilting her head to one side. She looked pensive, almost thoughtful. It was the most 'normal' expression Battler had seen on her face throughout their exchange. "If Bern's rea~lly~ mad at me, they'll be hell to pay, you two. You see if there isn't. Fufufufu~"

And, with that annoying laugh, she exploded into golden butterflies and vanished.

* * *

**a.n: **Oh Lambda, y r u so fun 2 write XD~  
Last chapter will almost definitely be the last one ^_^

Also… I never really realised how long these chapters take me to write before o_o Where has all the time gone? Where has my evening disappeared to? I-I listened to over 100 songs on my iPod when doing this? No way! XD

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it XP

Umineko is so much fun XD There's so much 'hehe' and 'gyahaha' and 'ihihi' and 'fufufu' and 'ohohoho' all over the place, it's awesome XDD~ In case you didn't notice, I /loveee/ writing dialogue XD~ That's why my chapters end up so long. I don't like writing those pesky bits inbetween, though XD

~**renahhchen xoxox**


	6. Sidelines

**Checkmate**

Chapter Six

'Sidelines'

* * *

"Be~rnnn! Why are you being so mean to me?"

"Why? Hmn…" Bernkastel sat at a table in the metaworld, her cup of tea still in her hands. In the flawless white room that stretched on forever, Bernkastel was a small spot of darkness; a pale figure resplendent with her dark blue clothes and empty eyes.

The sight of the small girl, casually drinking tea, was more unnerving than it had any right to be.

"Well," Bernkastel continued, placing her cup back down on its saucer. "Have you considered that I have _every _right to be angry with you? You're such a child, Lambda."

"U-uu…" Lambdadelta's cheeks puffed out like a frog's. She reached forwards to peer into Bernkastel's face. "That's so cruel!~ Uwahhh!~ Bern's bullying me!"

"In some situations, knowing the truth may be more detrimental than being told a lie. To use a hackneyed saying- the truth hurts, doesn't it, Lambda? Hehe~" The small, barely-there giggle rebounded off the walls, over and over again, in a symphony of mirthless laughter.

"It's not faairrr!~ I was only doing that to get your attention!" Lambdadelta insisted. With a quick movement, she pulled Bernkastel's head into her arms, and began to rub their cheeks together. "You're mine! Mine, mine, **mine**!~ I don't care about anybody else! Not Bahh-ttler, with his stupid hair! Not Beatrice! Youuu!~ See?"

"Enough."

"E-eh?"

Lambdadelta's grip on Bernkastel didn't loosen, and the dead-eyed witch made no effort to remove her; instead, they stayed frozen in time, like statues.

Then, Bernkastel leant into Lambdadelta's embrace.

Just slightly.

"E-eh?" Lambadelta repeated. "Sooo~ Soso_so_~ Even though she acts like an ice princess, it's possible to thaw out even Bern's heart, yes? Fufufufufu~ I feel so _privileged _to see this super-special, adorable side of Bern! S-she's so cute I want to take her hoomeee!~Ye~eah, I'm so awesome!"

"Be quiet, you'll give me a headache," said Bern- though the smallest glimmer of a smile was hovering, tentatively, about her lips. "This doesn't change my feelings. You shouldn't have ingratiated yourself within Beatrice's game. Neither should you have approached Ushiromiya Battler. That was reckless."

"But being reckless is fu~uun! Don't say things like that, Bern!" Lambdadelta pouted, bumping her head slightly against Bernkastel's. "You do reckless things, too!"

"Of course. But I put more intelligence into my moves than you."

"Huhhh?"

"I do not condone your actions towards Ushiromiya Battler. However…" At this, that tentative smile became something of provable certainty on Bernkastel's rose-painted lips. She no longer resembled a collector's doll; instead, there was something rather more life-like in those cold eyes. "Heheh… I can't deny this excellent opportunity to knock the Golden Witch down a few pegs. She's been getting rather too self-important lately. Heheheheh~"

Lambdadelta's eyes widened at this hellish chorus of giggling Bernkastels.

Then, her lips pulled into a smirk.

She stood up and pulled Bernkastel's head against her chest, letting out a happy squeal of joy.

"Yay!~ That sounds like _fun!_ Let's do that! Show me, Bern! Show me how you got your reputation as the worlds cruellest witch!~ It's been a while since I saw that side of you- I wanna see it agaaainnn~ I'm sure the results of your tyranny will be savage and refined and disgusting and really, reallllyyy cuu~uute! Kyahahahahahaha- ha- oh…" At this Lambdadelta's voice trailed away, and she tapped a finger against her lower lip in thought. "B-but… Didn't you say we shouldn't get involved?~"

"That is correct."

"Then how will that work?"

"It's simple," said Bernkastel smoothly, in the manner of one trying to teach a child two plus two was four. "It would be unnecessary to throw ourselves onto the game board; the situation could become messy. However, for a witch, that is not a problem."

"Really?" Lambdadelta raised a brow. "But if you don't do things yourself, they never gets done riiightt!~"

"Oh my." Bernkastel smiled patronisingly. She took another measured sip of tea before answering. "Have you forgotten, Lambda?"

"I forgot lots of things~ I _am _blonde, y'know. Hehehehe~"

Bernkastel sighed, rolling her eyes- though the movement was ever so slight it was almost unnoticeable, like most of Bernkastel's facial expressions.

"We _are_ witches, Lambda. We can control pieces indirectly without the need to become pieces on a board ourselves. It's much better this way."

"O-ohhh!" Realisation lit up in Lambdadelta's eyes. The amber irises glistened like camellias under the summer sun.

Then, she began to laugh sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. "Ahahaha! I- I knew that! I was just testing you! It was a test, okayyyy?"

"If you say so."

"So, what are we gonna do?" Lambadelta asked, rubbing her hands together with a child-like glee. "Let's piss Beato off really bad! Make her suffer, make her sufffer! Humph. I'm _still _annoyed she stole my strawberry shortcake this one time. _And _my moon cakes. And what happened to that lavender tea I was saving? I was really looking forward to eating them! Beato says she didn't do it, but I'm sure she got Gaap to prank me! And stealing my snacks is absolutely unforgivable! She should suffer! Su~fffferrrr~ Kukukukuku~~"

Bernkastel smiled softly; almost invisible, like the first flakes of fallen snow. She shook her head.

"Are you sure you didn't misplace them, Lambda? You have a habit of being rather scatterbrained."

"I don't know! I don't careeee!~" Lambda sang. "Let's just make her angry, okay?~ It's my favourite thing~ Kukukukuku~ Other than cakes! And tea! And you, of course, Bern. But that goes without saying! Gyahahahahaha!"

"If it goes without saying, you shouldn't need to say it," Bernkastel said, in her usual flat tones. "Although I appreciate the sentiment."

"Oh, how romannn~tic, Bern~ Fufufufu~"

"Believe that if you may. Now." Bernkastel set her cup down onto her saucer. It made an audible clinking noise. "Let us begin our own game; a game utilising my power of 'miracles' to the fullest. Hehehehe… Heh… Gyahahahahahaha!"

* * *

"Man, I'm _exhausted_," Battler moaned, as he collapsed onto the nearby chair. Burying his head in his hands, he gave a large sigh. "What a pain."

"I imagine being caught up in a witches' disagreement is very tiring- especially for a human," Ronove said, with some trace of sympathy in his voice, as he took a seat facing Battler. He laughed softly. "Lady Lambdadelta's company can be… draining. Even for a demon like me."

"Hey, don't try to shift all the blame on that Gothic Lolita bitch," said Battler, lifting his head from the table slowly.

It felt like his skull had been cracked open, and his brain had replaced with bricks. He had to support his head by both hands. If he hadn't, he was sure gravity would've pulled it back down, making it hit the table with a sickening crack and a crunch of pain.

_I've already been beaten around enough today._

_I don't wanna add a broken nose to my list of injuries._

_My mouth still feels _weird. _I really have to wonder about 'Lambda's' diet- it can't be healthy. Being kissed by her made my mouth feel like it was having a heart attack._

_I wonder what they do for dental plans in the demon world, anyway. It doesn't really seem like something most people would consider- but all those witches and demons eat is cookies!_

"Hmn?" Ronove asked, staring steadily at Battler. "Whom else are you suggesting is at fault?"

Battler couldn't help but roll his eyes at that question.

"Oh, _gee_, I don't know," he said. His words were so heavily laden with sarcasm it was a wonder they didn't sting his mouth and burn holes through his tongue. "Mayyybe, just possibility, it has something to do with that guy who assaulted me earlier today. Y'know- it's just something to _consider_."

"Ah~" said Ronove, tilting his head. "I overstepped the line then, didn't I?"

"Pfft." Battler snorted. "If you wanna call it _that_, then yeah. And I didn't enjoy it, by the way. So don't do it again, or I'll knock your teeth out. And that's a promise."

"Pu ku ku~ I am very sorry to hear that, Battler."

"Then why are you laughing?" At that moment, Battler's voice was even colder than the look in Bernkastel's eyes. "Damn- it's, like, all you demon people ever do! You're _always_ laughing about one thing or another. Would you mind letting me in on the big joke sometime?"

A Ronove surveyed the equal parts exasperated and exhausted Battler, his smile became somewhat softer.

"I apologise if my laughter irritates you, Battler- at this moment it's merely force of habit. Much like how you yourself constantly spouts 'it's useless, it's all useless'."

Battler's cheeks flushed ever so softly at this comment. "I-I do _**not**_ 'constantly' say that!"

"Maybe you don't realise you do, then- but please, don't stop merely because I pointed it out. It's quite the endearing catchphrase; I couldn't imagine you any other way. Pu ku ku~"

"Stop it with that creepy laugh already! You're weirding me out!"

"Of course; I will attempt to stop if it displeases you. Heheh~" And yet, despite the apparent 'apology', a few stray chuckles managed to escape Ronove's lips. He placed his fingers over his mouth gracefully, with his typical elegance that would've turned Marie Taglioni's face green with envy. "You can't be _too_ critical of me, however, Battler- you did manage to retaliate against my advances in a rather spectacular manner."

A rather dangerous smirk slid across Battler's face at this. He looked invigorated, like a plant given water; at the memory of his fleeting 'victory' he lifted his head from his hands, sat up straight, and stabbed a finger at Ronove from across the table.

He wasn't really sure _why _he did the latter, though.

Force of habit?

Like Ronove's laughter?

_Oh well. It's much easier to make a point when you're posing dramatically. People usually shut up and pay attention if their eyes are in danger of being poked out._

"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" Battler preened, eyes blazing with fire. "Ihihihi- that was pretty awesome. I got you good, right?"

"You did. Indisputably," Ronove said, still smiling pleasantly like a summer's day.

"…Humph."

Battler sighed and let his extended arm drop to the table top. The energy had drained out of his arms again, as swiftly as it had come. He turned his head away slightly, pouted, folded his arms. Gloating was no fun if your opponent wouldn't rise to the bait- although Battler couldn't imagine Ronove getting overly flustered about _anything._

Apart from that surprise kiss…

He had been adequately silenced then. Hadn't he even been blushing, just slightly? And it had been satisfying to know _he'd_ done that; that he, Ushiromiya Battler, could defeat such a calm, collected, prideful 'demon' like Ronove so easily.

_What is it that Beato always says? It's fun to grind your enemies into the dust? If you win, and they don't acknowledge it- or, worse still, just don't __care__- it's not satisfying. You __really__ have to rub your victory in their face; push them into the dirt! Make them know their place!_

_Urgh… now I sound just like that crazy witch. You're getting _waa~aay _too into this, Battler._

_Could I really try the same trick twice?_

_I think Ronove's too smart to fall for that._

_Or maybe there are some attacks you can __never__ prepare yourself for._

It was then that Battler noticed, his haze of thoughts fading to the back of his mind, that Ronove was staring at him. Not just looking- but really, _really _staring.

Battler shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

He cast about for a topic to talk about it.

"W-what was up with that Gothic Lolita brat?" was the first thought that popped into his head and flew out of his mouth. Or, at least, it was the first thought he had he could actually voice- the others all revolved around what Ronove's reaction would be if he kissed him again, and Battler _really _didn't want to admit to _that._

If he did, the damned butler would probably start grinning again, in that way that made Battler want to punch him in the jaw.

"Hmn?" Ronove made a small noise of confusion. He was still smiling. "Which one are you referring to exactly?"

Battler blinked at him in confusion for a while.

Then, he grinned.

"Man, you can pretty cruel sometimes as well."

"It comes with being a demon."

"Or just, y'know, a rotten person in general. Despite all your airs and graces you really are quite horrible, you know? Ihihihi~"

_Wait a minute… Wasn't I complaining because these guys laugh all the time a few seconds ago?_

…_Oh well. Maybe it's contagious. Like measles. Or crappy fashion sense. Seriously, most of these 'demon girls' dress like strippers. And then they get pissy when I make comments. I mean, seriously- it'd be even weirder if I __didn't__ comment on it._

"I was talking about the little girl in pink- that brat. 'Lambda'. The one with candy in hair," Battler clarified.

_And candy in her spit._

"What was her problem, anyway?" Battler continued. "Apart from being a selfish bitch, I mean- you already explained that to me. That 'all witches are as bad as each other' thing, I understand- I get that."

"Aha, well, it is not my job to pry into a witch's private life. It would be most impertinent of a butler."

Battler leaned forwards across the table, staring at Ronove. He smirked.

"Buuut?~ It sounds like there's a 'but' on there somewhere~"

"Pu ku ku~ Observant as always, Battler," said Ronove, not flinching despite Battler's proximity. Quite the opposite, in fact- he moved forwards slightly himself, his smile widening. "As a demon, it would be only _expected_ I would betray the secrets of others- even secrets belonging to great witches like Lady Lambdadelta. And… she really _can_ be quite the impertinent child."

"So, what's up with her? I wanna know~ Maybe I can try to get back at her."

"Like you did with me?" Ronove raised a brow. "I didn't realise you had such a penchant for revenge."

Battler flinched at little at the idea of kissing Lambdadelta. It would've been better to make out with a piece of chocolate cake; and that wouldn't have been _nearly _so sweet _or _as likely to cause a heart attack.

Plus, she'd probably try to bite off his tongue, or something. He didn't trust that girl.

He'd probably have been a fool to.

"Maybe not like that," said Battler, shaking his head. He frowned. "No. _Definitely _not. But I might be able to hit her weak point. Ihihihi~"

"You really shouldn't pick fights with powerful witches or demons, Battler- not if you don't want every bone in your body broken. Milady might be less inclined to hurt you, but Lady Lambdadelta- as you previously saw- has no such reservations. And Lady Bernkastel is not somebody to be taken lightly, either."

"Ihihi~ I don't remember _you _taking offence when I got back at _you_, though."

"Of course not. I was rather flattered~"

"Well, sure. I'm irresistible. So. What's the deal with Lambda?"

Ronove smiled. He always looked so perfect, it was irritating; how was his hair always so smooth, and how did his smiles always look so charming? Battler remembered his failed attempts at being 'charming' towards Shannon six years ago- mainly because Jessica wouldn't. Shut. Up. About. It.

He still shuddered to think about it.

"On one hand, the problem with Lady Lambdadelta could be considered fairly simple. However… it is also rather complex. You noticed how her murderous intent disappeared with the arrival of Lady Bernkastel?"

"Yeah. So…" Battler frowned. "What about it?"

Ronove gave that small laugh of his at that. "Pu ku ku~ When it comes to matters like this, I am frequently reminded the mindsets of men and women are not the same. This is something Milady and Virgilia noticed almost at once. Or maybe you are just dense?"

"I'm not _**dense**_."

"Not when it comes to being a worthy opponent for Milady. At times, your intelligence is quite remarkable. But… this matter is completely different. It is possible to be well-versed in one field of expertise, but completely lacking and thick-headed at another. Pu ku ku ku~"

"What exactly are you trying to say, Ronove?"

"I am talking, of course, of _love_."

There was a small pause.

Battler blinked at Ronove in obvious surprise, confusion swirling across his face so visibly Battler looked almost vulnerable.

Then, his lips pulled into that _smirk_; the smirk of an alligator that had lured its prey into its open jaws.

"Ihihihi… 'Love'? _Really_?"

"Indeed. The minds of witches are selfish, warped and confusing at the best of times; however, when they are _also_ in love, their actions can become even more irrational than usual. A woman in love- regardless of whether they are a witch, human or demon- is never something to be taken lightly. Pu ku ku~"

"Who does she 'love', then?" Battler asked. "Ihihi~ She seemed so selfish, I thought for sure she couldn't care for _anybody_ but herself! Unless…" He paused. Frowned. Looked about for inspiration. Then, the answer came to him, so suddenly the realisation could be seen flickering across his eyes. "With _Bernkastel_?"

Ronove nodded in agreement. "That is how it would seem."

"Ha!" Battler gave a short bark of laughter, leaning back in his chair. "Hahaha- I actually feel kinda sorry for her now. She was trying to make Bern jealous, huh? But did you see that dead look in Bern's eyes? Ihihihi- it'd be like trying to get affection from a corpse!"

"It is not polite to scorn a woman's love, Battler."

"Ahaha- of course not, of course not. Forgive me," said Battler, grinning. "But- ihihihi- this makes me feel _slightly _superior to Lambda. I want to revel in the moment a little. Kukuku~"

"My- how unpleasant," said Ronove, still smiling, as he leant forwards, staring at Battler. "Although, I understand your feelings. And yet, I can understand Lady Lambdadelta's, to a certain extent- so I am more inclined to be lenient towards her."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Battler, shaking his head. "What do you mean, you can 'understand'?"

"I already gave you a demonstration~ It seems my efforts were shot down. I expected as much, of course. Pu ku ku ku~"

Battler frowned a little at this, the cute, downtrodden pout replacing the insane smirk.

"A demonstration…?"

And then, like before, the answer clicked into place. Like puzzle pieces connecting to form a picture, Battler saw the true meaning behind Ronove's words clearly. Perhaps _too _clearly.

"Ahaha… Well…" Battler fixed Ronove with a piercing look. "When do you think Beato will calm down?"

"It may be a few hours yet."

"So it's just you and me here for a while, right?"

"It would seem that way," Ronove nodded. There was far too much elegance put into that simple motion. "Unless, of course, we are visited by any other bored witches or demons that 'just so happened' to be passing by; of course, coincidences between us creatures are rare to the point of virtual non-existence. Pu ku ku~"

But Battler hadn't been paying attention to the last part. Instead, his mind was solely focused on Ronove's earlier words.

"Just a few hours," he muttered to himself, as though he were in deepest throes of solving a complex problem. "Then… that should be enough time…"

"Hmn? What are you talking about, Battler?"

Battler didn't reply. Instead, he decided to give the answer without words.

Unsure of what he was doing- or why, exactly, he was doing it- Battler leant forwards, and captured Ronove's lips in a quick kiss.

"B-battler?"

Battler was pleased to note, when he drew away, Ronove's face was gently flushed. He was trying to work his expression into something more neutral- but Battler could see the obvious surprise underneath.

_Ha. So maybe that trick __does__ work twice, after all._

_How interesting…_

_Ihihihi._

_I might not be able to defeat Beato, but I certainly know __your__ weak point, Ronove._

"I didn't thank you for helping me out with Lambda, did I?" Battler asked, grinning. His face was still inches away from Ronove's; he whispered the words into his ear. "Consider _that_ my thank you."

"A-ah… It's appreciated, but it would probably be better not to enrage Milady further."

"Yes~" Battler said, adapting a teasing voice. "Ihihi~ That would probably be the best thing to do. But…" He nipped Ronove's ear with his teeth, feeling the other shudder at the sensation. "I _really _don't care~ She might be able to play with the rest of my family like chess pieces, but she can't control _me_. At least. Not _this_ me."

"Hmn. Now, that's a fair point."

And, with that, Battler leant forward to kiss Ronove again- and Ronove responded, gasping in that way that was so unlike his usual manner it made Battler's heart rate quadruple. His BPM was going through the roof- he could feel the blood pounding in his head.

"So~" Ronove asked softly, breaking his kiss. His lips pressed against Battler's neck, he smiled. "If the first one was a thank you, what was that one?"

"Hmnn…" Battler pretended to ponder this for a while- but the sensation of Ronove's lips against his throat was making it difficult to think properly. "You'll have to come back to me on that one, 'cause I have _no _i-idea… Aheh…"

"That's most unlike you~ You usually have a theory for everything."

"A-alright then- ah…" Battler released his fingers were running through Ronove's hair- though he couldn't remember moving them. He trembled. "A-ah… I-I've lost my mind. H-how's that?"

"That would be a satisfactory theory."

"Aheh, y-yeah… D-don't try to say it in red, t-though…"

"I wouldn't want to. I would _much_ prefer to interpret this as something other than temporary insanity~ Pu ku ku~"

"Y-yeah… ngh…" Battler tensed as Ronove's lips trailed kisses up his neck, then to the corners of his mouth- before finally taking his lips forcefully into another kiss. "A-aha…" Battler laughed as their lips parted once more. "T-think whatever you want. D-do whatever you want."

"I intend to, if you're being so reasonable about it~ Pu ku ku~"

"Ahaha- not like _that_. That's no good. No good at all."

Determination blazing in his eyes- the type of determination Battler usually reserved for his spats with Beatrice- he pushed Ronove's shoulders back until the butler was leant against his chair. Then, Battler abandoned his own seat, and instead chose to sit at the edge of table-top, legs wrapped round Ronove's chair. Smirking, Battler reached down and pressed his lips against Ronove's once more.

As the pair kissed, Battler's fingers made to take hold of Ronove's hands- and, slowly, he began to remove his gloves.

"A-ah- Battler…" Ronove mumbled, almost incoherently; the sound interspaced with more soft moans.

"Ihihi~" Battler laughed, leaning closer to Ronove. "You demons and witches have been screwing up my life for far too long. You think I'm going to sit here and do nothing? I want to have control over something for once~"

"T-that's… understandable…"

"You don't object? If it was the other way round, _I _would. It doesn't seem fair."

Battler linked their fingers once more as he said this, looking down at their clasped hands. He couldn't remember Ronove ever touching him without his gloves on before.

_Haha._

_That's kind of hot…_

Not giving it too much thought (over-thinking such illogical things would only lead to a nuclear meltdown in his brain; and he kind of _needed_ that to work), Battler brought Ronove's fingers to his lips. Slowly, tentatively, he reached out, and licked one of the butler's fingers.

Ronove jolted a little at this, and muttered "B-battler?"- but that only encouraged Battler to bite down on the digit gently, before taking it into his mouth.

Cheeks flushed, head spinning, Battler took a second digit into his mouth, sucking and nipping gently until Ronove was trembling. Battler smirked softly round Ronove's fingers, before releasing them. A trail of saliva connected Ronove's fingers and Battler's mouth, quivering tenuously; but Battler paid it no heed. He lent forward to press his lips against Ronove's again, biting on his lower lip, making Ronove moan softly- and Battler realised, at some point, he had moved off the tabletop and was now sat on Ronove's lap.

Ronove was leant back, Battler leaning against him, his fingers in Ronove's hair, the other arm round his back. It was too precarious- it felt like the chair was going to tip over.

…_Maybe a fall like that would knock some sense back into me._

There were too many sensations to cope with- it felt like his head was going to split open.

Battler shuddered and withdrew, blushing, his eyes half-lidded and clouded with kind of lust that only made itself evident around girls like Shannon.

"Don't you have any objections?" Battler asked, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"N-no…" Ronove shook his head. "None. Not in regards to my… ah… _feelings. _Aheheh… B-but Milady will- gh… mmpfh…"

Ronove, Battler mused, really _did_ talk too much.

* * *

"Gyahaha! That will definitely piss Beato off! Ahahaha… hahaha… fufufufu!~"

"Your laugh really _does_ lack elegance, Lambda."

"Can it, Be~rn, yours sounds juusst as lovely as mine when you really lose your inhibitions! Gyahahaha!~ Ahh, m-my sides are gonna split…"

"Then you shouldn't eat so much candy. If Gaap really _is_ the culprit behind your disappearing deserts, you should thank her. Do you want to get fat?"

"Aww~ You'd love me anyway, Bern~" Lambdadelta cooed, pulling the emotionless witch into a quick hug. "Hehe~ Besides, if I don't have sugar, my brain will meellttt out of my ears and I'll dieeee~"

"I can't imagine that would be a problem," said Bernkastel, allowing herself to be held. With a small grin- one that betrayed just how rotten her core was, despite the elegant appearance- she flicked Lambdadelta on the forehead. "You don't use it very much, anyway."

"O-ow! That's _low_, Bern! You've cut me realll deep!~ Uwahhh!~"

"So, what do you suppose that uncivilised child will do about this scenario?" Bernkastel asked, insane little giggles slipping past her lips. "I suppose she'll be angry. Heheheh… That will be fun to watch"

"Messing around with people's lives is funnn. That's why I love being a witch! What else is this power good for? Gyahahaha! Hahaha… Fufufu~" Lambdadelta's insane laughter trailed away to small snickers. "Buttt. Being with Bern is also fun."

"….Thank you."

"You know, I'm feelin' pretty sleeepy~" Lambdadelta sighed, letting her head flump against Bernkastel's shoulders. "Let's get to bed and see what happens in the morning, right? Righttt?"

Bernkastel gave a small smile, and nodded. Just barely. But it was still a nod.

"We can always observe the fruits of our labour tomorrow." She giggled softly. "…Yes. That sounds best."

"Hehe~ Love youuu, Bern."

"And you are tolerable on occasions too."

"Hmn." Lambdadelta frowned, sticking out her lower lip. "That doesn't mean _quite_ the same thing. I can't help but feel rejected."

"Then why don't you look upon this as another game?"

"Okay then! I'll definitely win! Get ready, Bern!~ Gyahahaha!"

* * *

**a.n: **ohmygosshhh o/o  
why is writing this weird, ridiculous pairing so much fun? XDDD i-i love these guys ;A; I think the next chapter will be the final one, definitely, definitely.  
so I hope you stick around for it XD

oh, & just a random thought of mine, but furudo erika is /totally/ hatsune miku XD in nearly all the fanarts i've seen of her they change her hair color to teal, and she is basically just miku. in a pretty dress. but miku.  
and then i saw some umineko fanart featuring erika cosplaying miku and battler cosplaying meiko (y? XD) and i was much amused XDD  
ahaha, this is unrelated, isn't it? XD~

& is it just me, or are Lambdadelta & gaap's official art in the visual novel far better than anyone else's? XDD

**~renahhchen xoxoxoxo**


	7. New Game

**Checkmate**

Chapter Seven

'New Game'

* * *

"Huh? What's going on here? Fufufu~ as if I couldn't guess! Gyahahaha!"

Letting out a startled yelp, Battler's whole body was racked with convulsions. He jumped, as if he'd been hit with electricity. The chair tipped backwards- as Battler had predicted it would've done.

It was, after all, _incredibly_ stupid trying to balance two people on the same chair, especially if they were both desperately trying to kiss the other in as many places as possible.

This fate was almost inevitable. If the newcomer's laughter hadn't startled Battler, something else would've made them overbalance eventually.

That didn't make the experience any more pleasant.

Battler gave a cry of pain as he landed ungracefully the floor, a tangle of limbs with messy, flyaway hair and swollen lips and flushed cheeks.

It was probably Ronove that suffered the brunt of the fall, though- first, being pitched backwards, knocking his head against the floor, and then having Battler land on top of him. They were thrown against each other as clumsily as a young child would try to slam together puzzle pieces that obviously didn't fit. Battler wasn't sure, but he swore he'd accidentally hit Ronove in the face with his elbow.

"…_Ow_."

And yet, somehow, the small noise of pain emitting from Ronove's equally swollen lips was worlds apart in elegance from Battler's undignified yell.

Battler lay there on top of Ronove for a while, his head buried in the hollow of his neck. His breathing was laboured, heavy. He didn't think he was capable of moving- he felt completely boneless, like a filleted fish, and adrenalin was pounding through his body at such speeds he was sure he'd collapse if he tried to stand.

A small silence surrounded the pair, broken only by heavy panting.

Was it his?

Or Ronove's?

Battler wasn't sure; noise was beginning to run into each other, a collision of sounds and feelings, and Battler couldn't pick them apart in his head.

Then, Ronove broke the semi-silence with a single word- though he was stuttering, and his voice sounded strained.

"B-b-battler…"

"…W-what?"

"I-it would be in our best interests if you... m-moved your knee. I-I'm sure you understand what I mean… Heheh…" His laugh was uncertain- it didn't sound as teasing as his usual laughter.

Battler blinked, and looked down at the rumpled, flustered form of Ronove underneath him.

Then, he realised _exactly _what Ronove meant.

"O-oh, right. That…" said Battler, his cheeks flushing an even darker pink. "S-sorry."

"S-s'okay."

With trembling arms, Battler placed his palms onto either side of the butler's head, and pushed himself off him. As he tried to manoeuvre his heavy, unresponsive limbs, Battler wondered whether he'd falter and collapse, once again, against Ronove; however, he grit his teeth, and managed, through force of will, to get into a sitting position.

"Fufufu~ What a sight! I never imagined _you _would end up in a situation like _this_, Ronove! How'd you get such a hot guy all over you like that anyway? I'm jealous! Gyahahaha!"

The newcomer's voice pierced through Battler's head like a bee sting. Each syllable was sharp and poisonous, and all hit Battler with a horrible precision; he was beginning to get a headache.

The voice was high-pitched, too- the laughter, even more so.

Battler felt his cheeks flush like sunspots. Lambdadelta's words from earlier played through his mind; "you can never be too sure who's watching youuu~"

Had this person been there all along?

_Fucking voyeurs._

_I thought demons and witches had all the power in the world. They can bring people back to life, and murder them just as easily. They can produce objects out of thin air, summon other objects that were lost, and fix things with magical incantations._

_You'd assume that would keep them entertained._

_But no._

_Instead, they devote their time to __spying on people__ who really, really want to be left alone! Then, they choose the worst moments to phase into existence, cackling like stuck records all the while._

_I __**hate**__ this place._

_And I hate the people in it, too._

_I really shouldn't be surprised at this point, but still…_

Battler thought he'd seen everything the metaworld had to throw at him, from bare-legged mercenary sisters to magical goat-headed butlers, from blank-eyed girls with cat tails to all those fucking golden butterflies.

Even so, this woman still managed to shock him- and that _wasn't_ just because he could only see half of her. Her torso was sticking out of the table-top, the other half hidden- though Battler suspected the dark portal beneath her had something to do with that.

No- the real reason why Battler had to do a double-take was because of her _clothes._

Battler was sure, if he'd been drinking something (probably tea- that was all they _had_ to drink around here), he'd have spat it back out all over himself at the sight of this woman.

The way her dress was styled was impossibly impractical; she was in danger of falling out of it at any sudden movement. It would've been _more _logical if she'd forgone getting dressed that morning at all. She was a severe wardrobe malfunction just _waiting_ to happen; Battler was sure his eyes would be fixed on her chest for the entirety of their conversation.

_Maybe that's the point. Maybe it's meant to be a distraction, so it's impossible to counter any of her attacks._

_These people sure like to fight dirty._

…_That outfit really takes 'dirty' to a whoollleee new level, though._

_And I thought the seven sisters of purgatory were bad, ihihihi…_

"Ah- it's nice to see you, Gaap."

Battler turned to look at Ronove, fixing him with a questioning glance.

Ronove had managed to get to his feet, and inclined his head slightly towards the walking wardrobe disaster. His face was carefully blank; a complete contrast to the more unguarded expression he had displayed to Battler earlier. However, his cheeks were still flushed a very soft, almost invisible, pink.

"Fufufu~ Hey, Ronove!~" the blonde woman giggled, waving. Battler noticed her fingernails were impossibly sharp- the blood red talons added a few inches to each finger!

_Urgh… Imagine being poked in the eye with one of __those_.

"Do you know her?" Battler asked Ronove, jabbing a finger at their unwelcome guest (or, at least, the half of her he could see). "_**Her**_?"

"Of course he does~" the creature known as 'Gaap' cooed, slowly pulling herself out of the tabletop. She, like Ronove, moved with an unearthly agility and grace. "There aren't _too _many demons around, you know- we all pretty much know each other. Big happy dysfunctional family, right? Kikikiki~ And how could _anybody _not know Gaap, ranked thirty three out of Riiche's servant demons?~"

"Indeed," Ronove agreed, watching as Gaap jumped off the table, her high-heeled shoes making an audible click as she landed. "You always were one for making a grand entrance, Gaap."

"I know! It gets people attention- along with _other _things. Kikikiki~"

Battler couldn't help but stare as the vision of blonde curls and complete immodesty walked towards him, in that dress that covered so little it didn't deserve to be named as such.

"Is there any particular reason you're here?" Ronove asked cordially. "I can't imagine this was a mere coincidence."

"Ooh, well done~" Gaap giggled, clapping her hands together. "You get a point! Of course, Gaap _loves_ to know all the latest gossip! And if it involves a hot guy like this one-" she pointed at Battler "-then how could you keep me away?"

"Of course."

Ronove was smiling, ever so slightly, as though he were talking to a friend. Then again, maybe he _was_- though if that was the case, Battler would advise him to choose his 'friends' a bit more carefully.

"Incidentally, Gaap. This may seem like a naïve question, but is Milady aware of…" he paused, gesturing towards Battler. "This?"

"Ohohoho~" Gaap cackled- though her smile didn't look cruel, and her laughter wasn't malicious. Instead, it was merely mischievous. "Well, if _I _know all this juicy, juicy gossip- and Ushiromiya Bahh~ttler-" Battler was getting pretty sick of all these demons knowing his name, "-isn't even my concern, then I'm _sure _Riiche does! You can't hide anyyythinggg from her! Well~ Kiki~" She cackled, brushing a hand through her golden curls so they bounced. "_**I**_ can- but that's just Gaap's amazing talent! Nobody else can be as stealthy as me!"

_Stealthy?_

_In __that__ outfit?_

_She's about as subtle as a punch to the face! By somebody who has __no arms!_

"That would be problematic, then…" said Ronove, with a small sigh.

"You don't say~" Gaap said, voice teasing, as she prodded Ronove in the side. "If _**I**_ had a ho~oot guy like Battler with me _I'd _be pretty pissed if he got snatched away by someone like youuu~ Fufufu."

"Thank you for your sentiments, Gaap. However, I'm not sure it was_ I_ who, as you said, 'snatched' away Battler." Ronove's smiled widened ever so slightly at this. "Not if Battler's previous advances were to be believed. It was quite the opposite. Pu ku ku~"

"Oh, re~eeallly? After a thousand years, I guess you've still got it in you, Ronove! Good job! Gyahahaha!"

"You remain as attractive as ever too, Gaap."

"Why, thank you~" Gaap grinned, doing a quick twirl to show off her 'dress'. The ruffled skirt spun round her long legs, in a wave of crimson fabric, before settling down again. Then, she winked, and pulled a pose- bent forwards, swaying slightly. "I _**am **_pretty free~aking hot, right?~"

"You wouldn't be Gaap if you weren't."

"Ha!" she let out a short laugh, running hand through her blonde ringlets again. "And, even so, despite my undeniable hotness, this kid would still choose somebody like _you_?~ I'm jealous, I'm totally jealous! If Riiche tries to murder you, Ronove, I'd tooo~tally understand! I might even join in! Kyahahaha!"

"Ah- thank you for your refreshing honesty, Gaap."

"No problem!~" beamed Gaap, winking again.

Battler couldn't help but notice her lashes, like certain… other parts of her anatomy… looked far too big to be real.

_Man, is goldilocks here a living ad for plastic surgery or something? She kinda reminds me of a Barbie doll… Ihihhi…_

Then, in a flurry of bouncing princess curls and rumpled skirts, Gaap crouched down to Battler's level and began patting him on the head. "What does a cu~uute guy like this see in _**you**_, Ronove, I wonderrr~ Aha, now that is real magic! Kyahahaha!"

Battler glared at the poster girl for illogical outfits with a sourness that couldn't be rivalled by eating a whole lemon. Then, he backed away, and tried to get to his feet- though that was easier said than done. His limbs were numb and uncooperative. It felt like he had full-body pins and needles; a prickling, uncomfortable sensation that pierced every square inch of his skin.

Trembling slightly, his knees gave way from underneath him. He was sure he'd fall back to the floor, like a skittle in ten pin bowling.

That didn't happen, however.

Because Ronove caught him.

"Are you alright, Battler?" he asked, holding the limp, exhausted form of Battler to his chest.

Battler rolled his eyes- but the motion was lost on Ronove, who couldn't see his face.

_Well, at least I can always fall back on sarcasm to get the job done._

"Oh, _great_. I'm _fine_. I should be used to these _creatures _appearing all the time and making my life hell, shouldn't I?"

Battler didn't try to push Ronove away; he was sure, without somebody to support him, he'd just fall over again. Rejecting help when he obviously needed was childish- and the results would only be embarrassing.

Instead, with a small, defeated sigh, he let his head fall against Ronove's shoulder, and shut his eyes.

_Maybe, if I pretend none of this has ever happened, it'll go back to normal._

…_Yeah, like __that__'s ever worked out before._

_I hate my life._

"Humph! How rude!" Gaap exclaimed, in tones of mock hurt. "I'm _wounded_!~ I'm no 'creature'; I'm the amazingly, unbelievably sexy Gaap! And I'm here to give you some advice- and pretty good advice, too, if I don't say so myself~ Fufufufu~"

"Advice?" Battler asked. He scoffed. "Yeah, 'cause you demons are soo trustworthy. What's the catch? In exchange for your help you get to portal me into some other dimension? You're not going to sic goat butlers on me too, are you?"

"Ooh!~ You're a pretty sharp kid!"

"I _love _how everybody sounds so very surprised when they realise I'm not a complete moron. It gives me such a feeling of confidence."

"Fufufu~ Well then~ If it makes you feel any better, I won't do any of that 'portalling to another dimension' stuff- even though I _**totally **_could! I'm nice like that, see?"

Gaap sat back down on the tabletop, kicking her legs back and forth like pendulums. Leaning back, she said casually, almost as though she were speaking to thin air;

"You two were acting pretty recklessly back there, riiiight?"

"Ngh…"

Battler cringed slightly at this comment.

"Even though youuu can be pretty rash, Bahh~ttler (ohmygosh! I _love_ your name! Hihihi!), it doesn't seem like something Ronove would do~ I mean, not _twice_ in one day, anyway. He has more common sense than that, I think- that's not something I can take and hide! Ohohoho!"

Battler cringed again at this. Was it _really_ impossible to have any moments of privacy in the metaworld?

"Don't you think that's a little _strange_?" Gaap prompted. "A little _weird_? Could you even call this out of character behaviour… Fufufu~ Ever~ so~ sllligh~tly _miraculous_?~"

_Miraculous…?_

Silence enveloped all three of them for a few seconds.

Then, Ronove said "Ah…"

There was a great level of understanding in that single, simple noise. Apparently, Ronove had come to some kind of conclusion, like a mathematician reaching the answer of a difficult problem.

"Exactly!" Gaap exclaimed, the swinging movements of her legs becoming more pronounced the more excited she became. "Isn't it perfect? It sounds _just _like something Bern would do! She's _such_a bitch! Maybe I should thank her for creating something so interesting to gossip about! Gyahahaha!"

'_Bern', huh…?_

An image of that young witch with the arctic tundra eyes came to Battler's mind. She had acted so cold and aloof. The expression on her alabaster face had been unchanging.

She hadn't seemed like the sort of person who would play around with other's lives.

In fact, she'd even scolded Lambda for it.

…But she _was_ a witch.

Underneath her airs and graces, weren't _all_ witches- as Ronove had previously said- selfish creatures that enjoyed tormenting others for their own amusement?

"Yes, I see," said Ronove, with another resigned sigh. "This does seem like something Lady Bernkastel would do, on a whim, to erase her boredom… Tch." He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "For all of Lady Lambdadelta's promises that she'd 'coat Bern in honey and lick her clean', it seems she failed to entertain Lady Bernkastel… This is problematic."

"Or, more like, they _both_ decided to entertain each other by pissing off Riiche! They could do that and the honey thing at the same time! Gyahahaha!" Gaap said, laughing like a hyena. A hyena that was psychologically disturbed. Well… that 'dress' of hers was proof Gaap wasn't 'all there' in the head. "I feel kind of useless that _my_ magic only allows me to steal things!~ If I could do things like Bern, the whole metaworld would be like one big soap opera! Gyahahaha!"

"I believe, at this moment in time, it may already be one."

"Yep! It's fun- this stuff is _wayyy_ interesting!~"

Battler began to feel anger welling up inside him. The idea of being controlled by Bernkastel was nothing short of insulting- especially when he'dbelieved _he_ had the better of Ronove.

Being a piece in a witches' game when he wasn't even the Battler on the game board left him with a sick feeling in his stomach.

"D-damn those two witches…"

Battler found enough strength to push Ronove away. Even though his body was shaking, he was able to stay upright- and, with an energy fuelled by anger, he stabbed a finger at the cheerfully laughing Gaap.

"Damnit! I will _definitely _make them pay for this! I can't stand being manipulated!"

"Oooh, such rage~ That's soooo hot~" Gaap cackled, swaying backwards and forwards with a dream-like expression. Her numerous curls bounced mesmerizingly as she moved- a golden miasma around her pretty face. "I can see why Riiche likes you so much!"

Something began to sparkle in Gaap's eyes. Her grin became more twisted.

Battler flinched, and took a step back.

He knew that face.

And not just from Gaap.

It was the same- the exact same- expression Jessica got whenever she was plotting something. And that face only _ever_ foreshadowed trouble- with maybe a splash of humiliation thrown in there for good measure.

Battler could remember Jessica looking at him like that when they were younger, and it was raining outside, and they couldn't go and play, and she couldn't cajole Battler into climbing any more trees and breaking random limbs, and she was bored. Oftentimes, it had resulted in Battler being forced- not asked, _forced_- into Jessica's old formal clothes; pink hat, ruffled skirt, the works.

…Those were not pleasant memories.

"I know, I know!" Gaap declared enthusiastically, punching her fist in the air. "I know what you should do! I had an awesome idea! Bahh~ttler, you should go and get Riiche, so you two can knock Bern and Lambda's heads together! Naughty kids need to be punished, right? Fufufufu! I don't care who wins- it'll be fun either way!"

Battler blinked at Gaap's words, slightly taken aback.

_At least she'd not trying to force me into a dress._

_But…_

_She's right, I guess. This _does_ affect Beato, just as much as it affects me… So, I really should be teaming up with her._

_And yet, despite that…_

"This has everything to do with Ronove, too!" Battler exclaimed, turning to look at the demon butler. Then, Battler smirked, his eyes narrowing; that expression truly _was_ dangerous. It was a better declaration of all-out war than any words would have been.

"If anybody should go and knock down those Gothic Lolita brats, it's us! Right, Ronove?"

"Pu ku ku~ Such _energy_," said Ronove appraisingly, smiling. "Whilst it would be reckless to face off against the likes of Lady Bernkastel and Lady Lambdadelta, I believe you could do it with that passion of yours~ And if that is the case, I will accompany you, and would be honoured to do so. After all… Pu ku ku…" Ronove took a step towards Battler, leaning down so their noses were almost bumping. "I've done so very many reckless things today, one more would hardly make a difference~"

"You might as well break the rules in style, right?" Battler asked, smirking.

"Indeed."

"Oh yeah!~ It's best to do everything in the most stylish way possible! That is what I, Gaap, always, _always _do! It's one of my ruu~uules! Kyahahaha!"

Paying no heed to Gaap's laughter (it was pretty standard with demons; after a while you got used to it, like repetitive background music in video games), Battler's eyes continued to search Ronove's face, feeling the other's breath ghost across his cheeks.

Battler shuddered.

Were these feelings also being manipulated by that kitty/witch hybrid and the blonde airhead with the honey fetish?

Would giving in to such feelings be admitting defeat? Would it result in a complete loss before he'd even begun to strike back? Or would ignoring his feelings and denying himself of what he wanted –more badly than he'd care to admit- also be equivalent to defeat?

"Pu ku ku~ You _do _know miracles are impossible, don't you, Battler?" Ronove asked, his voice softer than usual.

Battler raised a brow. "What are you trying to say?"

"He means not even the 'Witch of Miracles, the Great Bernkastel'- ooh, all these witches have _such_ pretentious titles, don'tcha think? It's such a _pain _to say all that stuff, amrite?- can make something happen if the probability of it occurring was less than zero! You get it? You get it? You get it, right?" Gaap prompted.

"Ah…" Realisation began to bud in Battler's eyes. "I see…"

"Yes! There always a chance this could happen!" Gaap said enthusiastically. "So don't shyyy away from it~ If it feels right, then you should do whatever you want!~ That's how witches and demons live! Ahh~ It feels good having no inhibitions, yes? Gyahahaha!"

"Is that why you dress like that, Gaap?" Battler asked, unable to bite the question back.

Gaap didn't seem to mind, though. Instead, she cackled.

"Gyahaha! How rude! How impertinent! I like it! I like it a lot!~ Yes, that's it- that's _exactly _it! Fufufufu!~"

…_Aha. Well then… If that's the case…._

_If I want to do something, I should just do it. I don't __care__ what those witches think about it- or whether this is some sick 'game' they're playing together. I'm making these decisions for myself!_

"Battler?" Ronove asked, reaching forwards to press his fingers against Battler's cheek. He still wasn't wearing his gloves. The feeling of skin against skin, without any barriers, made Battler's flesh prickle slightly. He trembled. Warmth began to spread though his body.

Then, Battler smirked.

He took hold of Ronove's waist, forcefully pulling the butler's body against his, until they were pressed flush against each other. There was no space for either to move; instead, they clung to the other, faces inches away.

Battler closed that irritating space in a matter of nanoseconds.

Ronove kissed back, his eyes flickering shut upon contact. He gasped softly, in the same way he had done before- yet the reaction still made Battler's heart hammer in his chest.

'_No inhibitions', right?_

_It feels pretty good… Ihihi…_

When Battler drew his face away- though he did not relinquish his hold round Ronove- the butler was panting softly, his cheeks flushed, eyes slightly wider than normal.

"Battler, you really _are_ incorrigible."

Battler smirked.

"Heh~ And _you _are pretty amazing."

"Pu ku ku~ Now, that's something I never believed you would say. Are you _sure _you're feeling alright, Battler?" Ronove asked- though his expression was warm, and worry was not evident in his words. Instead, they were lighting teasing.

"Nope," said Battler, shaking his head. "I'm incurably crazy- nothing you could ever hope to fix."

"Oh, _good_~"

"So let's go and teach those two witches a lesson, right? It'll be a total curb stomp battle, right? We'll give them everything we've got! Ihihihi!~"

"I would expect nothing less from Battler, of course."

"Ihihi~ Let's grind them into the dirt!"

"And what about Milady? What do you propose we do about her?" Ronove asked, tilting his head. "I can't imagine she'll be very happy…"

"If needs be, we'll beat her down too, right? It'll be a piece of cake- I'm positive!"

"No 'it's useless, it's all useless'?"

"Ihihi, well…" Battler grinned, kissing Ronove on the side of his mouth. "Maaa~ybe. Who knows? But I'll definitely not give up. That's something Ushiromiya Battler doesn't do!"

"Pu ku ku~ I'm glad to hear it. Maybe you should go easy on Milady, though? A woman's heart can be a very fragile thing… Even for a person like her…"

"Ah- fine, fine," Battler agreed, moving to kiss the other side of Ronove's mouth. "Ihihi~ But I'm getting all fired up now! Don't expect me to go easy on _you_ later!"

"I'll be looking forward to it~"

"Yeah. Damn right you should."

Forcefully, Battler pressed his lips against Ronove's once more, inwardly laughing at the small noises the butler made. The pair, entangled in the arms of the other, began to break up into thousands of separate points of golden light- until they were nothing more than a flurry of golden butterflies.

Gaap watched the scene with amusement, tilting her head to watch the shower of butterflies flap themselves into non-existence.

"This day has been very, _very_ fun!~ Oooh, I wonder what will happen now? Ohoho! I guess Bern and Lambda better prepare themselves! Fufufu… Gyahahaha!"

* * *

**a.n: **And thus, Battler and Ronove go to the metaworld to beat up Lambda and Bern and anyone else who stands in their way, a la Symphony of Golden Dreams~ fufufufu~  
I hope you enjoyed this fic? Weird though it was? With such a weird pairing XDD~  
I might do some more fic for this pairing some time in the future, maayybeee. But it's not guaranteed. But they're so fun to write :3 So, who knows~  
Thank you to the people who read and reviewed this ^_^ It means a lot to me, and I'm glad people enjoy my strange fanfics XP~

**~renahhchen xoxoxoxo**


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